Wander to Wonder

To my four or five readers

2011-07-13T14:20:00.006-05:00

Hey, no posts for a while; sorry about that. Dealt with a lot of depression, a hint of nihilism and periods of apathy over the past year. . . but I'm done with that silliness now so we should have some incoming posts here in the near future!

Biggest news at the moment is that I'm starting to learn to play jazz guitar and I've decided to give my dreams a shot for the next few years. Also, been finding quite a bit of useful wisdom in Buddhism. Stay tuned!

~Jesse

We have not civilization.

2010-04-19T15:23:00.002-05:00

We call what we have a "civilization." Yet, I see nothing civil about it. . . our entire world is fueled by competition and destruction. As far as I can tell we haven't civilized, we've merely systematized barbarianism; where each man works as hard as he can to ensure that he will have and others will have not - measuring his worth by how successful he has been at robbing his neighbors and enemies - by how far more he has in contrast with them. THIS is the nature of your beloved capitalism.

True, this is the way of nature and I am rather fond of nature, but we have something special that no other aspect of nature has (of which we are aware of) and that is the knowledge of our and of other's existence. Beyond this, we also have reason and intelligence. I think that with these things we are capable of finding a way to live in which equality is truly respected and the freedom of one does not impede the freedom of any other.

I think we need only one universal law of sentient beings and that is to not impede upon another sentient's freedom. The punishment for violation of this law would be the removal of your status as sentient. The difficulty here would be in finding a clear definition of freedom.

My Answer and Message to Humanity

2010-04-08T22:14:00.002-05:00

I think I have found an answer to all of my questions, but unfortunately I am limited by my knowledge and by my language. As best I can say my answer: The Universe is.

Quite a bit is lost in translation. To fully understand what this statement means to me, you must know everything about me at the time I answered because this is my answer. Unfortunately, I cannot share with you much about me in a reasonable amount of time and I think I could never be able to tell you everything about me.

But there is one thing which I think I can explain, a sense of comfort. I do think that the Universe acts as a whole. It has always progressed forward and I believe that it will continue for quite some time. It is incomprehensibly older than we are and yet we are one of the fastest progressing aspects of it that we know of. I believe we will have peace one day. I believe that one day, the descendants of this planet will be rid of all our insanity and will operate with common goals of Universal love. At this point, the universe will be our paradise because we will finally understand that there is no reason to be unhappy with the ways of nature.

I am here for humanity. No human is my enemy; my enemies are faceless and subtle - unnameable in any phrase or term that I know, but I am not afraid of them. My greatest and only honor is in the servitude of humanity. To work for myself is pointless, I will die much sooner and can contribute much less to the Universe. I love you Humanity; I've been told not to, but you are irresistible. I know that you are quite likely to kill me - it will be in your service that I will die and my only sadness, my only regret will be that I was not capable of providing more for you.

Two Poem Drafts

2010-03-08T17:53:00.003-05:00

Here are two poems I've got in the works. Would love some feedback and well thought-out criticisms!

This first one probably won't change much.

Title: I'm sorry, but I loathe the Falsehood of your Face

The man,
who would consider art a trivial thing
is nothing more than a Sophomore.

He fails to see that
he is only mocking himself,
and that:
We laugh at him.
We disarm him.
As he naïvely forgoes his strength,
we sap his potency.

His life is wasted -
and there are no tears for him.
For the true tragedy
occurred years ago,
when he ended his life.

Title: When you open that Door

Even in the city
a sweet fragrance drifts in.

So different,
I had forgotten -
locked in all winter
where have you been?

Oh, I beg
don't leave me this year!
But I know that you will.

The wheel always turns
and Death saves us all.

Grades School and Asperger Suspicions

2010-02-28T02:54:00.004-05:00

A bit of my past and what growing up was like for me circa 1995 - 2002. Includes a few of the reasons I now believe I may have Asperger's as my mother now tells me she had begun to suspect years and years ago. I got a lot of this out of a few of my old notebooks from high school where I had tried to document my history and my development. Other parts come from discussion with my mother. My analysis is now much more complete.

Looking back a little on the history of my once poor visual memory, I often was too distracted by my imagination to really focus much on what things really looked like. It took some training for me to really be able to start paying attention to things like this when I was directed to. In contrast, when thinking alone to myself I would often stare deeply at an object paying careful attention to every detail and day dreaming about it. I would do this for hours if no one came to interrupt me. I could recall these things perfectly, but the psychologists never got to see this side of me. I've always loved to do this and I think it has greatly contributed to my overall intelligence. I got a lot of practice thinking, as it is what I did with most of my time; I did not have many friends and those I did have I saw rarely outside of school. During recess I usually sat alone and imagined things because I did not enjoy doing what most of the other children did. They wanted to play sports or to imagine by playing archetypal roles. I preferred to imagine things morphing and changing, flying around and becoming other things. I liked to imagine colorful, curving and swirling beams of light that had different effects on the things they passed through. I really liked the television show "My Little Pony" with the unicorns and pegasuses because of all of the light and color themes they had. I think this may be why I called this imaginary world "magic." I spoke of "magic" incessantly to my mother and anyone else who would listen. As a younger child I did not realize that these things were not real and that other people did not see them. When I reached 3rd grade it started to become more apparent to me because my classmates would tease me when I spoke about it, but I still did not understand that it was because their world was very different from mine. I think they thought I was crazy. Interestingly, the teasing did not bother me unless they were outright mean to me. Other situations in which they laughed at me were actually enjoyable for me because I liked the laughter. So, I learned what made them laugh and engaged them in it often. It took me a year or two to understand that they were trying to be cruel - that the laughter and the mean behavior stemmed from the same thing. When I realized this, I realized that the "magic" of my imagination was not real, though I still found it enjoyable and so engaged in it often.

As soon as I found out that it wasn't real I began to pray every night that it could be real. I did not enjoy the nightmarish world I was beginning to see that everyone else was trapped in. I knew that I needed to understand it in order to have friends and be accepted but it was difficult. Now I knew that I was different but still didn't know that it was unusual to have such an active imagination. I did not connect this to my poor grades in subjects which I could not focus or that it was what made me different. I knew that I had ADD and attributed everything to this, but didn't really know what it meant. They told me I couldn't pay attention and they gave me medicine to fix it. I didn't like the medicine, it made me feel weird and it took away much of my comforting world. However I liked getting better grades because it made everyone around me happy. I loved to see people smile so much and to know that I made them happy, especially people I looked up to like my parents and my teachers, so I dealt with it for a few years.

I learned how to play pretend with my friends at this age. It wasn't as much fun as my imagination but I liked interacting with other people and this was one of the only ways I could do it. I thought sports were pretty boring until I got older.

7th grade I started consciously realizing that if I wanted to do well in class I would have to ignore my imagination and pay attention to the teacher if I wanted to score well on tests. This was after I stopped taking ADD medicine which had just taken the imagination away from me. When I learned how to control my imagination and subdue it I started doing much better in school and my ability to read other people's emotions improved because I could focus more on subtleties I had not previously taken note of. This helped me to understand more about other people and other to act like one of them. I built a shell through which I could interface with the "normal" people. At the time I thought I had fixed myself, I thought "Now I am normal, now they will like me, now I will understand them." I was excited when I started out at high school because I felt like I had a fresh start where everyone didn't know of my bizarre actions at a younger age. I thought I had a real chance of just being like everyone else, of having lots of friends to do stuff with. More than anything I wanted a group of friends like I always saw in the movies and TV shows. I continued with this mindset until summer 2003 when I was introduced to the band A Fire Inside (AFI). They explained everything to me. But I'll tell that story later.

Thoughts and Techniques for Memory

2010-02-27T08:24:00.005-05:00

I remember reading that out of a group of people, when asked to go to a location and memorize as much as possible, those who perform best at recall did not examine the room from left to right or right to left, but spiraled out from a center. I think I understand why this is.

I've been practicing improving my visual memory. It started as a litlle game for me. I had been looking through all of my childhood school reports and found that I had always tested very poorly on visual memory.

Looking back on the history of this, I often was too distracted by my imagination to really focus much on what things really looked like. It took some training for me to really be able to start paying attention to things like this when I was directed to. In contrast, when thinking alone to myself I would often stare deeply at an object paying careful attention to every detail and day dreaming about it. I would do this for hours if no one came to interrupt me. I could recall these things perfectly, but the psychologists never got to see this side of me. . . (Read more on this history in my next blog post)

I was also thinking about how it was a little difficult for me to remember people's faces growing up. I remember a particular incident when I was around 12 or 13, I was away from home on a camping trip and for whatever reason was thinking about my mother. I tried to picture her face in my mind, I was shocked when I found that I was unable to do it. I hadn't noticed before because I had never tried to imagine someone's face before. I could get a very vague image of a human face, but it was more like some generic face form. I tried to visualize others, but again I was unable to do it. I couldn't believe it! I wondered how could I not picture these people in my mind because I had known them my entire life. It bothered me. Later on I eventually was able to do this a good deal better after I had known someone for awhile. I just had never really paid attention to what their faces looked like, my mind must have associated them in some other way.

So, riding the bus a few weeks ago (now 6:28am Feb 26 2010) I wanted to try really paying more attention to what people's faces looked like. However, i didn't want to just sit there staring people down so I decided I would just take a quick glance and just see if I could hold the image long enough to analyze it at all. I glanced at the face of the first girl to step onto the bus and then shut my eyelids. I could see her face almost perfectly. I was amazed. I tried it with every other person to step onto the bus. For at least a few moments I could remember each face and picture them clearly in my mind. I still remember the face of that first girl, though I did turn around at glance at her 3 or 4 more times before she got off of the bus (Note that each of these glances was less than one second, performed while turning my head without stopping). From those glances I am today still able to almost perfectly reconstruct the first image of her. From the lip ring hanging from the right side of the bottom of her lip to the style of her hair, her complexion, her moles, the shape of her lips.

These quick mental snapshots work really well for small simple things and faces. The technique requires you to put a lot of faith into your intuition. Just look at something shut your eyes and continue seeing it. Don't try to hard. Use a small simple thing to practice with if you find this trust difficult at first.

With practice this can be extended to your entire field of vision. Just stare forward, but don't really pay attention to the center so much (The point at which your eyes are directed is the center). Instead try to see everything. Pay attention especially to outlines. Look at the general shape of everything there. Areas where it is hard to determine the borders of may be difficult or impossible to recall accurately.

Another technique I've come up with and find useful is what I call "Mental Painting." Basically you look at the thing you want to remember and use your imagination to "paint" over top of it. But paint it to look exactly the same as it already appears! Then when you close your eyes repaint it, but this time onto the black canvas.

Very similar to the Mental Painting is another technique I call "3-D Modeling and Imposing." Instead of painting the object with your imagination you use an imaginary 3-D Modeling program (If you haven't used one of these programs you could also think of it as molding clay which would also be useful if you are a more tactile learner) and model the shape. You'll have to use imagine that you can see through the object so that you can see the other side without rotating it. Once you have "captured" it this way you can close your eyes and rotate it all you want, though.

OK, now my favorite. You can use any method like those above (I encourage you to come up with your own and post them in the comments!) to kind of get an initial "sense" of something you want to memorize, to just assimilate it into your brain but you will find that though some of these images will stick with you for a long time (like the girl on the bus) many others will disappear not soon after you discontinue thinking about them. Why, do you think this is? It is because though you brought them in and focused upon them they were not related strongly to anything else. It is like you added a conceptual island in your brain, but never built any bridges so people(your thoughts) don't go there very often and so they never put it on the map. I remember the girl because she was distinct and I related her to this technique because she was my first successful use of it - thus whenever I think of this technique I will think of her. The image of her means something to my mind. If I got to actually know her this meaning would be gradually modified to include all of the complexities of her personality, but for now she is a visual representation of my technique, for me. Everything you see has some meaning to you and some temporary connection is formed in your mind, but often it is subconscious and the connection very slight and hard to notice if you are not very confident in your intuition. But, when you do consciously recognize this personal "meaning" (or association) the connection suddenly becomes very strong and you feel an epiphany. So the trick to long term memory is to visualize the object (or person!) and understand what it means to you. WHY it is shaped the way it is. This brings perfect or near perfect memory. The tough part is how to figure out what some arbitrary shape "means" to your subconscious mind. I believe that it lies in trusting your intuition. Look at an object and just trust whatever pops into your mind, think about it and strengthen that connection. Through this process you can reorganize your mental "database" and find new connections that not only help you to memorize things better but also to think more intelligently and creatively.

Now back to the story I started with. I was playing around with some of these snapshoting techniques and I was trying to figure out a way to memorize a more complicated image. To experiment I started memorizing what the entire bus looked like. To do this I looked ahead and mentally broke the bus down into much smaller and more simple components. Then I focused on an individual component and took a snapshot. Next I snap-shot a component that was adjacent and also made note of how the two were connected and held together. As I worked my way through more of the bus I noticed that I was spiraling. Constructing the image by spiraling outward allows for more connections to be made than by moving horizontal or vertical.

The people who memorize a location using a spiral examination probably had broken the room down into smaller components whereas the side-to-side examiners likely either broke the room up into vertical slabs or simply looked at the eye catching objects while moving across, ignoring the space between them and giving them no connection. If the goal is to memorize as much as possible the slab technique would work better than the individual objects, but the spiral technique trumps them both. Most people don't use the spiral technique or even the slab technique because in our day to day lives we do not have time to memorize everything and so few people develope a method of doing this; instead just remembering a few isolated important details. I think if we were trained from an early age how to do this it would come more naturally and it would be easy for us to remember as much as we need instead of struggling when the number of things to remember exceeds 7.

For some things it can be helpful to try and imagine how they got to look the way they do. Sometimes this is easier and faster than using the spiraling method. For instance I was looking at a pair of pants wadded up on the floor of my room and I was trying to memorize their exact shape in that position. I started by snapshotting the outline but I still found it somewhat difficult to remember because it was a very complicated shape. So instead I visualized what the pants look like when they lay flat which is a very simple shape. Then looked at the wad on the floor and piece by piece wadded my mental image of the pants until it matched the image I was actually seeing. To make this a bit more long term I can imagine how they actually got this way (because certainly I did not carefully wad them up and place them on the floor), seeing myself getting ready for bed mentally imagining how they fold as I take them off and then lazily toss them across the room until they land and complete the last few folds.

My Prime-Based Transparent Numerical System

2010-02-16T03:20:00.009-05:00

Hi everyone! I want to share a little bit of what I've been working on. Here are some images of the numerical system I am developing. It is prime based and designed to teach a better understanding of the mathematical world. Our current system is too locked into base-10 and because of this it is difficult to work in other bases and we are a bit blinded to the true nature of mathematics and the magical patterns contained therein. I've made a video explaining how and why I came up with this system which will be posted within the next few days. But I wanted to go ahead and get my scans up now while the video is processing.

Here is the first half of the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6C3IeErv2g

Here are the sheets where I worked out the first 91 numbers. Note that this system is incomplete at this time so much is missing. The pronunciations are all Esperanto based spelling. The Ŝ is the same as "sh" in English. i like "ee" in "tree." u like "o" in "do." e like "e" in "slept." a like "a" in "father."

The following two images show how this system can be used in any base, with ease. To a person familiar with the Prime Base system, conversion between bases is an easy task.

And finally my favorite. It is a game I created that finds prime numbers, teaches the new numerical system AND teaches about some of the patterns in math. Can you figure out how it works? (I'll be explaining it later.) This page of notes also shows just a little of how I've developed the system along with a few notes in Esperanto on further ideas.

Chicken and Egg solution

2010-01-28T09:19:00.002-05:00

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The egg.

The very first animal that met the requirements of chickenhood must have been conceived of two not chickens since before it no chickens existed. The unfertilized egg in the female's body was not a chicken egg until it was fertilized. This fertilized egg was the first chicken egg, out of which came the first chicken.

If you are creationist then two chickens came first, fresh off of the God assembly line - the eggs are just there to test your faith. Hold fast!

A Man After My Own Heart

2010-01-28T00:40:00.003-05:00

"this is to be a collection without order, taken from many papers which I have copied here, hoping to arrange them later each in its place, according to the subjects of which they may treat. But I believe that before I am at the end of this I shall have to repeat the same things several times; for which, O reader! do not blame me, for the subjects are many and memory cannot retain them and say: 'I will not write this because I wrote it before.' And if I wished to avoid falling into this fault, it would be necessary in every case when I wanted to copy that, not to repeat myself, I should read over all that had gone before; and all the more since the intervals are long between one time of writing and the next."

"I know that many will call this useless work; and they will be those of whom Demetrius 8 declared that he took no more account of the wind that came out their mouth in words, than of that they expelled from their lower parts: men who desire nothing but material riches and are absolutely devoid of that of wisdom, which is the food and the only true riches of the mind. For so much more worthy as the soul is than the body, so much more noble are the possessions of the soul than those of the body. And often, when I see one of these men take this work in his hand, I wonder that he does not put it to his nose, like a monkey, or ask me if it is something good to eat."

~Leonardo Da Vinci

Most arguments

2010-01-27T01:49:00.004-05:00

"What have you got in that bag?"

"Its!"

"Its . . . what?"

"Its."

"What is it?"

"It's its!"

"Its what?!

"Its a bag of its."

"A bag of it's what?"

"Its nothing! It's just its."

"What?"

An interesting observation on Writing

2010-01-24T14:28:00.005-05:00

I've been noticing that when I don't write my ideas out they tend to "clog-up" my brain. Ideas come to me everyday, but I've noticed that ever since I started back at school and stopped writing they have gradually slowed. However, when I wrote the entry from Thursday it felt like it kind of cleaned me out and allowed further thoughts to flow. Often I think of a good idea and don't want to forget it. So, if I think of one during the car ride home, it plagues me the entire drive and hinders my thought on other topics. Usually, in an average car ride and if I'm not distracted, I reach my destination with four ideas that I don't want to forget. Most often I remember maybe one of them by the time I'm at a place I can write it out I really need to start carrying a notebook in my pocket and maybe get an audio recorder for my car. . .

Actually, I just got a really good idea. I'll call my Google voice number and leave myself a voice mail! That way I'll already have the audio file in a digital format that is easy to organize AND I'll get a rough transcription for when I want to write more about it later!

Well, I'm glad I wrote this. That was a good idea.

The importance of "Why?"

2010-01-21T17:36:00.011-05:00

We often are faced with an objective situation for which we cannot find any objective reason. Sometimes, in these situations we are never-the-less faced with the question: "Why?"

Usually, in order to move on with our lives peacefully we come to some form of this answer: "That's just the way it is." This is a great step, now we can accept reality and continue on in a productive manner. This is especially helpful if the situation was emotionally paralyzing, such as the death of a close and/or good person.

But if we just stop here we miss a great opportunity to learn. "That's just the way it is." is a solid answer, but it is not the only answer you have in your mind. If you are honest with yourself you will find that somewhere in your mind you have another explanation. It may seem a little weird, crazy, cruel, harsh, over-sensitive or it may even seem a bit dull. No matter what your answer is, it is important. This answer is one of the truest reflections of who you are. Meditate on it, think (or pray!) about it before you go to bed; ask yourself why you think this, or feel this way. But even if it is negative DO NOT beat yourself up over it! Try this: "This is just the way I am right now." If you do not like what you find then you must change it, but you will get nowhere by getting down on yourself (actually, this negative thinking will ensure that you NEVER change for the better). Again, if you catch yourself doing this, don't get down on yourself. Accept the way you are, but also accept that you CAN change. Accepting yourself may include accepting the fact that you are too hard on yourself! Do not stifle this anger, but redirect it. Use it to motivate yourself, not destroy yourself. (I.E. if something makes you mad don't yell at it, CHANGE it!) Look back on your life. There is no doubt that you have changed many times; the only difference is that now you are guiding your change.

It is also important to note what types of situations to which we ask "Why?" as this also reveals an aspect of who we are.

Do not underestimate the importance of knowing yourself. In my opinion, if you do not know yourself then there is little else of importance that you can know. For instance when you know yourself you can know others better because you can weed out all of your own traits that you have projected onto them without realizing it. Not to mention that by knowing who you are today you can understand how to become the person you want to be tomorrow.

Let's think some more about "That's just the way it is."

This is an extremely important answer that is not simple, though the sentence itself is. Think about this sentence, which is contained within: "That is the way it is." This is the ONLY fact we will ever know without any assumptions. But we must keep in mind that what we see isn't always what is there, so the real sentence is: "That is the way I perceive it." "it" in both of these sentences refers to reality; "that" refers to the situation. So, our perception essentially becomes our reality. This is how we can come to know ourselves through seemingly external situations.

This doesn't have to be restricted to situations; it can also be applied to any observation you make of the universe or anything in it.

Now, look at this piece of abstract art:

What "why" questions does this bring to your mind? Now please post any question you come up with below. It does not matter how simple or complicated it is (or even seemingly irrelevant) the question IS important. Post anonymously if you want.

Coming Soon: Short Stories

2010-01-19T02:30:00.003-05:00

Hey! Sorry about the lag in posts, school started up and has been keeping me busy. But, I have two short stories in the works and hope to be posting at least one of them shortly!

Alpha and Omega

2010-01-06T07:31:00.001-05:00

I first asked myself:
If know that I do not know everything then how do I know that what I know is right?

I then asked myself:
What is common between Science and Art?

I then realised that the answer to both questions was the same.

Religion is Art

2010-01-05T00:37:00.007-05:00

Last edited: 1/22/2010

Ok, I must apologize a bit. I had some important realizations today. I have come to understand more about what I wrote in both the "Our Purpose" and the "Why I am Not a Christian" posts. I knew fully well while writing "Our Purpose" that what I was writing could not be fully rationally correct. I already accepted this a month ago. I KNOW that what I believe is not in line with what I rationally think. As explained here: http://wandertowonder.blogspot.com/2009/12/disclaimer.html

This is the same thing as art. My beliefs are an artistic interpretation of all that I know. This is what art is all about, explaining something that doesn’t make rational sense.

This is what I believe belief is, an artistic interpretation.

This can explain WHY we have art and what art is. It is a way for us to communicate Truth.

I didn’t understand this and engaged people in arguments about rational pieces of a piece of art. "Our Purpose" is a piece of art that I am trying to use to inspire people in the way that I have been inspired over Christmas Break this year. The explanation is a model of the universe that may not be literally true but viewing the world this way leads to actions that promote goodness to one another, etc, but this is not its core function. The core function is to inspire a glimpse into Truth. If interpreted correctly a work of Art will lead to an insight or inspiration. I believe that this is a connection to Truth. Art cannot be wrong or right only effective or ineffective. What I said cannot be rationally argued because it was never intended to make rational sense. It can, however, be evaluated. I believe that the Bible is one of these works of great art. I believe that the Church made a mistake when they read writings that would become the Bible. They took it literally and believed that Christianity (By Christianity here I mean Christianity exactly as described in the bible) is Literally the only way to interpret God and the universe. I think that when Jesus speaks in the Bible of the one true way of Christianity he is not speaking of a single artistic interpretation of Jesus’ and the Bible’s words but of the single Truths that can be found through art, focus and love. (Edit 1/22/2010: By saying that it is only through Him that we can reach God, I believe that He means by following in His example. Not by praying to some image of Him and giving Him the specific name "Jesus." The way most of us say it isn't even what he was actually called, he has a Hebrew name with a Hebrew pronunciation. If it doesn't matter if we change his name, then why do we have to call him by a name at all? Why can we not see that there are others who act exactly as Jesus showed us but simply don't call their God "Jesus?" Does this seem like the kind of thing the God which Jesus describes would care about? Jesus, who told us not to condemn and judge others; that this judgement is for God and for God alone.)

In the post "Why I am Not a Christian" I was trying to say that I am not a Christian because I believe that religion and belief are artistic interpretations that can only be effective or ineffective but Christians (who believe there is only one correct religion) believe that belief is backed by rational fact that can be proven.

Rational proof is the only way that we can know that one religion is the only true religion. I understand that this does not mean that there cannot BE ONE correct religion, only that we cannot KNOW. I have not seen scientific proof of God or any religious belief so I believe that the proof does not exist.

If you BELIEVE that religion can be proven but cannot rationally prove every single part, then you are basing your beliefs on an artistic interpretation. You see where science is heading and believe that proof must be out there, but you have no proof of this. Or if you do, then I haven’t seen it.

Now you have to make the jump of assumption. Do you assume that there is one true religion? I believe that my perspective has given me a greater understanding of art and by continuing this I will create much more effective art than before. I am using this as my test of if my understanding of art has improved. If it has then I believe I can safely assume that I have come to better understand the purpose of art and my understanding is that art is our religion and if art is our true religion then religion cannot be proven.

You could say now: How can I say that religion cannot be proven but that I can prove that religion is art? These are two different types of proof. I don’t know any English words that can convey the difference between the two types. But I mean that you cannot prove religion with everyday truths, but that you can Prove religion through art by exposing Truth. I think the word I am looking for may be logos?

Further, I believe that in order to be able to interpret art well, or to create great art one must "purify" their spirit. This is as I described it in "Our Purpose" and as Jesus describes in the Bible. Jesus had a perfectly "clean" spirit and so he could speak to people in perfect art. This art was so clear that it could reach through even to people with very "impure" spirits and he could help them to see Truth. However I think that the words "pure" and "impure" have connotations that have been mistranslated. That is why in "Our Purpose" I use words that better convey the meaning without the connotation of guilt.

The writers of the writing in the Bible were GREATLY inspired. This was extreme artistic inspiration so great that they were able to write very clear art. But it is not as clear as Jesus because they did not have perfectly "pure" spirits. Later these writings were read by people who's intentions were good, but their spirits not very "pure" and so they could not get the meaning out of the art of the Bible and instead took it literally. Hence all of the problems of the modern Church. Now this art has become very ineffective because it is very difficult to transcribe art in written form through centuries of linguistic change and translation.

I believe that creating art is the way that we all connect with God (obviously this goes beyond just painting and drawing, etc. and on to artistic thought - which is meditation) and the result is how we communicate what we learned with other people. This is why the feelings of inspiration are so wonderful. By healing ourselves we become better at creating and interpreting art.

It feels that my whole life has prepared me for writing these blogs.

Every time I sit down to write, the answers just fly to me. I have spent my entire childhood and teenage years trying to heal myself: accepting who I am and the way that the world is. This year I made progress in leaps and bound accepting many more of these things and all of a sudden when I did, my ability to write became greatly amplified(along with other things, increased musical creativity, better understanding). When I clear out fear and doubt and only hold love and peace in my heart, the way is clear I can see exactly where I am going. In these states I feel that I know my purpose and that I know Truth. Of course I am not claiming that I am completely "pure" only that as I "purify" myself, things become clearer.

I know that you can say that these are only feelings, but then why when I follow the Truth that I have found does everything happen exactly as Truth had told me? What are we besides feelings and thoughts?

It seems that when I follow the advice of Jesus with this view of: Religion as Art, everything that Jesus described would happen, happens.

Give yourself time to reflect before you respond.

Talking to Brick Walls

2010-01-04T05:43:00.001-05:00

The following is a conversation I had with a few people on someone’s wall on Facebook. I have not edited this at all except for changing their names to their relationship with one another (so note, when I say “Father” I am not talking about my dad or God). I only included the responses of the people participating in the “conversation.” Any addition I make now will be clearly identified with []. I myself am not proud of the way I behaved in the beginning. I allowed myself to act out of anger and spoke like an asshole. Anyways, I’m just looking for feedback on this. Especially criticisms on how I handled myself. I attempt to keep an open mind when I have conversations like this and actually consider what the other party has to say so that I do not become exactly what I am preaching against. Help me to see where it seems like I failed in this endeavor. Note that I did wait two days before posting this in order to give “Father” an opportunity to post any closing comments, but he never did so.

Daughter is praying for Rush Limbaugh.

Daughter’s Friend
I hope he makes it...that will be one step closer to a socialist nation without him[sp]

Daughter
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/2418140/posts

read[sp] that. Its[sp] people's tweets about it. sick.

Daughter’s Friend
They don’t[sp] know any better. There[sp] socialist[sp] Marxist[sp] democrats[sp].

Jesse
Daughter’s Friend , I agree whole-heartedly that it is bullshit to wish death upon any person, but can someone explain to me how anyone can be a part of three mutually exclusive political parties? I keep seeing people say this but it just doesn't make any sense. If you are Socialist then by definition you aren't a Democrat or a Marxist, etc. Please stop saying this. Criticism is great, but you're going to have to provide criticism that actually makes sense. Otherwise please just don't say anything.

Daughter’s Friend
Hey Jesse- that’s[sp] called freedom of speech. You wouldn’t[sp] know about that because you sound like a pansy liberal. The word marxist[sp] was used to represent our fine leader Obama...fine? Ooops i meant terrible. He is Fidell[sp] on steroids. Everyone will see soon when the health care package goes into full effect...

Jesse
Daughter’s Friend, I'm sorry but did you even read what I said? I don't care what you say about Obama; I just want it to make sense when you say it.

Father
Hey Jesse... what Daughter’s friend is saying makes perfectly good sense to me. What scares me is that it makes no sense to you. The democratic party[sp] has been hijacked by marxist[sp], socialist. [sp] That once great party who still hail John F. Kennedy as their crown achievement is the opposite of what it once was.. "Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country" is now "Don't worry. You're too stupid to know what is good for you so your country is going to do what we know is best for you. Oh, and by the way, we need all of your money to make it happen." You need to decide if that is what you want to side yourself with or at least recognize that is going on in your party and do something about it.

Jesse
Father, I'm not a Democrat; it isn't my party. I don't care that you are criticizing the administration; this is good! We always need to question who is running our country. I'm not saying that the current administration is some kind of Godsend but that people need to speak in an intelligent manner if we are ever going to make any progress as aspecies[sp]. What he says only makes sense to you because your personal definitions of these terms are not in line with the actual definitions of these political ideologies. I agree with you that our country's aim has changed for the worse in many ways, but we need to communicate clearly to remedy this. If you want to say that Obama or his administration have some ASPECTS of Marxism or socialism or whatever then you need to be clear WHICH aspects you mean. Being a Marxist mean that you believe everything that Marxism stands for, including not following OTHER political ideologies. Marxism and socialism are NOT the same thing. Understand what a word means before you use it to describe a person, or a group of people.

Jesse
I understand that he is TRYING to say that the current administration has aspects of Marxism and socialism. But because he actually used these words in an incorrect manner I do not know which aspects he is trying to communicate so his statement (and those of thousands of others I have seen and heard) doesn't communicate anything but an extremely vague idea: that the current administration has some aspects of Marxism and socialism. This leads me to believe that they doesn't[sp. . . I meant “don’t” (this sentence originally said “he” but I changed it to “they” right before I posted it)] actually know what they are talking about and simply are repeating things that they have heard but did not understand. By this same logic people could start saying ridiculous things like "Christians are Satanists!" This is the same thing; Christianity has one aspect in common with Satanism, they both go to a church and have a ritual. But we all know that these two religions are quite different.

Jesse
Understand that I am not indenting to insult or step on anyone's opinions; I just know that we need to all learn to speak to one another with clarity, understanding and respect before this country is ever going to get out of this shithole. I believe that this is what God wants us to do. Do you disagree with this? If so then I will shut up, because I know that arguing values is a pointless endeavor.

Father
@ Jesse... I welcome the dialogue. Don't get me wrong... I think the republicans fiscally fucked things up and got us rolling down a steep hill. No doubt. Some of the things they employed were also very socialistic. The drug program for the elderly is one. Clearly the country was in debt at the end of Bush's term. But Obama and the dems have made that fiscal disgrace look like a misers convention. His signing off on this last years spending spree (and to think that this was to "save the economy" is a pork filled joke) in the face of what we were up against has been despicable and irresponsible. But what can you expect from a Saul Alinsky following community organizer with no experience at running anything? You dig into that ilk and you will find yourself knee deep in socialist and marxist[sp] beliefs that drive their actions. That is undeniable. Barack is our first affirmative action president. We elected this guy with hearts on our sleeves and boy was that stupid. No one knew him or where he came from. You weren't allowed to ask or your[sp] were a racist. He talked a great game. Now we got what we got. This is a very dangerous lot in power right now and I do not like them. Do the republicans have a solution? Not that I can see. They suffer from the same ugly ass disease. They have all been around too long and have made self serving careers at the publics[sp] expense. I am for a big broom and pushing everyone of the SOB's out and getting some in there that understand the concept of public service with respect for the constitution. Or it's divided we fall.

Jesse
I think we can put whoever we want in charge and it still isn't going to change anything. We don't need to change our president, we need to change ourselves. Far too many of us likes[sp] to sit at home and blame the politicians (and other people). But if we all sit around and scream at each other instead of conversing then the president can NEVER please even most of us. No matter what, pretty much half of our country is always going to be unhappy with the president's decisions. For some idiotic reason we have decided to let our opinions divide us into separate nations.

Healing starts with encouraging others to quite[sp] wasting half their time trying to change people's opinions and the other half flinging insults! This also sets an example for our children so that they can carry us further forward. Instead of shitting on people because of our differences, we need to be exploring our similarities. We are all here trying to survive, love, raise families and fulfill our purpose, but instead of helping one another we make all of these things difficult for each other. All because the other person has the OPINION that the plan that you THINK will work, won't.

And people can't just sit there and say "Well THEY aren't going to do it, so I'm not going to." I mean, if you really do think like a 3rd grader I suppose you should at least do it to show the other person up. NO, IT HAS TO BE YOU! YOU! have to start NOW, it is your responsibility as a caring American citizen. Stop judging everyone else and judge yourself. Do your actions match your beliefs?

Working together is the ONLY plan that will save us.

Nobody can fulfill the president's job completely until WE all decide to and agree on compromises and vote for the same guy.

Until we find a way to unite, it's divided we fall.

Father
They will be glad to know you bought it Jesse. That is exactly what they want you to think... that you and I are the problem and not them. You need to read up on Saul Alinsky. I would figure a guy stuck in such parsimony as to question the difference between socialist beliefs that lead to socialism versus entrenched socialism would be smart enoughnot[sp] to fall for "it's your fault... if you people would quit disagreeing, get in line and get it together then we could effectively govern." Certainly has worked just great for the people in places like China, North Korea, Iran, Cuba, Venezuela, Russia (pretty much any oppressed country in the world)....

Jesse
So you are saying that infighting promotes solutions?

It isn't that I value parsimony so much, but that I want people to think about what they say before they say it and to think about what they hear before they repeat it. It is that simple. That is my entire argument. You are continually putting words into my mouth. I hope that this is due to misunderstanding and not lobbyism.

It is impossible that they "Have gotten to me." Because I don't listen to "them." I don't watch the news, I don't read the newspaper. Hell, I don't even watch TV. I really don't care about politicians and so I ignore them for the most part as I already said above. I don't listen to the same person spewing their opinion everyday. I get my news about America and about the world through several various international news sources so that I may have a perspective that is in balance with humanity. I get my advice by studying the writings of our forefathers and other great thinkers of the past. By what means are "they" controlling me? My information sources do not trace back to them. Did they implant a device in my brain? This is where your suggestion is leading - conspiracy theory.

None of your argument seems to have arisen from logical thought. What are your sources of information?

I look at the facts and then draw conclusions. I am trained as an engineer, I think as an engineer. I am not the one repeating nonsense sentences. You have no reason to conclude that my thoughts are not original conclusions except from your own preconceived notions. You have already assumed (incorrectly) that I am a Democrat based on no real evidence. By what logic do you assume that I am brainwashed? READ what I am writing and stop adding your own illusions.

To come to same conclusion that I did above you only need to read the writing of great philosophers of the past and apply their writings to today's issues. Or do you think that Jesus' word no longer applies? Is listening to his advice "falling for something" as you say? Jesus taught All of the values which I push in my argument above. I am merely attempting to show people how to relate his teachings to today's world and encouraging them to do so. Why are you so against this? (I am assuming you are Christian, since you sent your daughter to Christian schools and thus are familiar with these teachings. If I am incorrect, I apologize.)

How can you honestly believe that if we attempted to work together nothing would work? If I had as little faith in humanity I would have given up long ago. . .

Besides this you rat on China which DOES have a lot of issues, I know. But did you also notice that with their government model they were able to take China from a state of utter devastation (Civil war, recovering from the opium trade pushed by Britain, poverty, lack of technology) to one of the most productive countries in the world in under 50 years? You CANNOT deny this fact. What they did was AMAZING. This is why Chinese citizens are proud of their government. Everyone from a different country is not an idiot like you seem to think. Obviously there are many flaws and they still have a while to go but, certainly we can learn something from what they did. Their actions were drastic because their situation was drastic. If we don't wait too long, our's will not have to be quite so drastic.

An intelligent person can learn to see which aspects of a broken system are good ideas, it is a fool who would ignore the entire system and miss an opportunity to learn.

Jesse
Why do you think that people keep using words like “Communist”, “Socialist” and “Marxist” instead of just describing the actual platforms and political positions they disagree with? It is obvious. These are SCARE tactics. People don’t associate these words with the actual ideologies they refer to but with the countries which implemented CORRUPTED versions of them. The fear and propaganda from the cold war is still ingrained within the American heart. The U.S.S.R. was a terrible example of what communism actually is but that is what many people think the word means. So, people pushing their political opinions use these words to instill a sense of emergency. They want to make their political opponents seem like these crazy evil people to Americans who don’t understand what these words actually mean. Then these people go around and spread the propaganda for them. Again I’ll go back to my Christianity – Satanism example: If I want the new people in town to stay away from the Christians, I’ll just tell them that the Christians are just like the Satanists. If I spoke clearly and accurately (The Christians go to a church and so do the Satanists) they would have no reason to be afraid.

Father
Your view of China tells me enough. "They are AMAZING." China built what they have on oppression and on the backs of children. They force the people to work at pennies a day and allow them to have one child. If that child is not a male, you accept your lower status in society. And guess what made their country so great in the last 50 years? Think about it? Where did most of our manufacturing jobs go? 50 years a go[sp] they were all here. Now they are there... the reason is for what I stated above... take that one to Jesus. Who buys most of what they manufacture now? We do. Pick up just about anything you buy and underneath it has a little sticker that says "Made in China." So what prosperous country spent their money on goods in China thereby allowing them to prosper? We did. They did not do this in a vacuum. They are not AMAZING. Unless you buy into oppression, child labor and killing those who disagree with you. Again, not much Christ like in any of that. However you come to your conclusions and from what source matters not to me. It's your conclusions that are bothersome. And there is no way you read a thing on our forefathers and have a walk away that what China has done has been AMAZING. People like you scare the fuck out of me. You talk with fairly intelligent sentence structure and talk about coming together for the greater good and at the same time spew out it's because of Jesus and his teachings and what China has done has been AMAZING. You sir are very conflicted and I can see why people like myself make little to no sense to you. And understand this. I prefer to keep it that way. I am tired of attempting to be politically correct only to save the feelings of the moronic. It only encourages the idiots and thieves among us. If you are an idiot, then you are part of the problem and not the solution. How can we ever fix the problems when we do not allow ourselves to point them out as they occur or assign them to the ones creating them? And good luck with your Jesus thing. You got part of that figured out correctly.

Jesse
Ok, clearly you don't respect me enough to actually read what I am writing. I clearly stated that the methods they used were extreme. I didn't say that they are amazing, I said that the achievement was amazing. You are so completely black and white about everything. You SAID that you welcomed a dialog but you aren't participating in one.Instead[sp] you keep picking off irrelevant side components of what I am saying and arguing about them. This is pointless, [sp] I'm done speaking with you. You don't know how or are not willing to have a conversation.

Our Purpose

2010-01-03T20:09:00.008-05:00

Edit 5/1/10: I apologize for not realizing this sooner, but this post may be misinterpreted if you have not read this first: Religion is Art

I use a convention of capitalizing Truth to mean the universal Truth that is God. You can experience Truth, but you cannot be told Truth (except possibly through art, but art is an experience so you aren't really being told). Lowercase truth is the day to day understanding of truth. You can be told or witness truth but you cannot experience truth. truth is based upon perspective, Truth is above perspective.

You cannot use a pronoun when talking about God. A pronoun cannot apply to God. The word God doesn’t even apply to God, it is just a filler word. It means something that we cannot comprehend. But remember that this is not because God thinks God is so much better than us, this simply is the way that it is. AND now for (probably) the first time you’ve heard it HERE is the reason why:

I was petting my cat and thinking.

I know why we are all here. Our purpose. Why God put us on Earth. It is to further God. I do not mean to say that this is an act of selfishness! Selfishness cannot apply to God, for God is all. Everything is a part of God for God is the whole of existence, but the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. This is not Godly arrogance, but simple FACT.

God is the universal consciousness that guides existence. To attempt to understand God we must first understand what consciousness IS. What you ARE. You are nothing more than a network of interacting neurons. An interacting network of extremely basic, elementary parts that ( in some way we do not yet, or perhaps cannot, understand) form a whole greater than the sum of its parts namely, YOU. This isn’t symbolic, it isn’t fairy tale. We know this, we have opened up our heads and looked inside and this is what we have found: a mess of tiny little cells just sending tiny little bursts of energy.

Think now about society. What is society? Society is a very complicated network of very complicated individual parts. It works a little differently, yes but how can we say that the effect would not be similar? How can we deny that the network of billions of extremely complicated humans forms a form of consciousness, a Human consciousness that we simply cannot comprehend because it is far more complex than us?

Now think about EVERYTHING. Everything that exists in our universe. It all interacts. Our universe is an Awesomely complex network. And yes it forms a consciousness: God. This isn’t crazy talk, just think about it. Consciousness is nothing more than a complex network, the universe IS a complex network. On top of this when you apply this logic you come up with a being that would have characteristics that explain pretty much every important description of a universal consciousness from pretty much every human religion. Is this REALLY a coincidence?

We are: God furthering the possibilities of existence. Early on, the universe was much simpler because it was made up of simple parts. God grew by adding more complexities, growing God to understand more. We are the most complex aspect of God that we know of. Our PURPOSE is to further ourselves so that we further God because we are God and this is what God does.

We must recognize that we are an inseparable part of God. When we learn to heal ourselves we are able to fully connect and BE God so that we may DO God's Will. This isn't a bossy thing though. God isn’t sitting up in some clouds telling us what to do. And God isn’t a dickhead either. We have to heal ourselves (Concept of Original Sin) before we can truly connect with God but it is not because God is disgusted by our impurity as Christianity implies. It is not because we are unworthy (Otherwise God would be considering part of God unworthy. Even the Church teaches that we are all part of God and this is TRUE), but it simply is a fact that when you are so concerned with your own problems in life you simply are not capable of BEING yourself. When you do not have the courage to do what is right, you cannot do God’s Will because you don’t have the courage to do it. Not because God hates cowards. God hates NOTHING, God cannot know HATE except through us as individuals; we have the only expression of hate.

God provides Truth and some people have interpreted it into laws, but these laws are short lived! Truth does not change with time but written word DOES. This is FACT.

THIS is the Good News that Jesus was trying to explain to us 2000 years ago, but we forgot about Truth the moment we wrote it down in a book in the form of parables and laws. Jesus taught us to treat all people well and to help them to HEAL themselves because we are ALL part of the same WHOLE. No person is any better than any other person because EVERY person is God. The only problem is that we are damaged and caught up so much in our own lives that we have FORGOTTEN how to be a part of the WHOLE. Sin is not something that God is mad at us for, it is much more like a distraction. We must stop thinking in these ways of self-righteousness and begin to help others to be righteous but we CANNOT do this except through God in OURSELVES.

We MUST begin to heal ourselves before we can help others to heal. As soon as you start to connect to God and heal, God will show you the rest of the way and give you all of the hope, strength and motivation to do it (but you must know how to talk to God FIRST). As God teaches you how to heal you can share what you learn with other people. The only way to do this is through example and openness.

The Good News is that we are all actually part of God, not symbolically. You are no better than any other person, you simply have found Truth. It is not your Truth. If you treat it as your Truth it becomes truth; you will believe that you are better than others and you will not be capable of sharing God’s message because you will lose your connection with God. You must share Truth with everyone, BUT before you can do this, you MUST believe that the person you are sharing with is your total equal. Before this, you simply are not fit to do God’s Will because you do not believe God’s message. When you have truly connected with God you will have no choice but to believe God’s message because to experience God is to experience Truth for God is Truth and Truth is undeniable.

At least. . . this is what God told me today.

Later I am going to write about how I have been able to find connections with God. It is a very difficult topic to write about and mostly I will just be sharing things that I have learned and connected from various religious experiences, as well as new experiences I continue to have.

I really need community input on this! Together we can enhance our understanding of God and life. Share your experiences and always seek more. Communicate! My viewpoint is limited because I am only one person. What I write above is only my best attempt to transcribe Truth into truth in modern day English with modern Scientific understanding. I think I did a pretty good job but I am not an enlightened being, I have only captured tiny gems of Truth in my understanding. Together we can bring these gems together. Together we are able to think more as God because we become more than ourselves. This why community work and group gathering is encouraged in so many religions.

Why I am not Christian

2010-01-02T04:05:00.004-05:00

Edit 5/1/10: I apologize for not realizing this sooner, but this post may be misinterpreted if you have not read this first: Religion is Art

I understand now why I cannot accept Christianity as the one true religion. It is because while exploring other religions I have come across Truths and wisdoms that I cannot deny. Truths that I have felt with the entirety of my being. Truths that I was never able to experience through Christianity. Sure there were things that I was told in Christianity that I know to be true but they only ever made sense in the context of other religions. Christianity told me a few truths. Buddhism, Mysticism, and Witchcraft REVEALED them to me.

For example the koans of Buddhism present a student with a rationally impossible question or contradiction. Through contemplation the student eventually finds a way to accept the contradiction, an answer is found and Truth is revealed. I was faced with one of these contradictions myself: I know that I do not know everything (and therefore I know nothing) but I must believe that I am correct. When I was finally able to accept this my life changed drastically for the better.

Another Buddhist teaching is to not run from pain and suffering but to embrace them. This is one of the teachings that has probably helped me more than anything. Running from suffering only causes more suffering because there always comes a time when doing the right thing will cause you suffering. You must embrace this suffering because it is what is right. When you have the strength to embrace this, you find that suffering is not so terrible when it is right. Buddhism teaches that suffering is a natural part of life and by believing this I am able to be a better person who acts with courage and upholds his morals. Many of the teachings of Christianity are about being saved from suffering if they only follow the rules, but I believe that this leads people to do things so that they can be saved, not to be righteous. By believing this many people never face their fear of suffering and become courageous because they are waiting to be saved from their fear. So, when times are good they are decent Christians but when the going gets tough many of them falter.

Most of the rituals of Witchcraft are truly not much more than ancient methods of mind hacking. You take advantage of the symbolic meanings that your mind uses and use them to focus your mind on whatever goal you want to achieve. By focusing your mind, it is always subconsciously working towards that goal and coming up with new ways for you to achieve it. The results are pretty miraculous. It works.

Religion reflects your interpretation of the world. It is the meaning you find in life. A source of answers for the questions that you cannot answer.

Certainly many of you have found many or all of these same Truths through Christianity. I could not, but I did find them elsewhere.

People practice different religions because they WORK. If they did not find true fulfillment in it, then they would not practice it. Of course there are some people who practice a religion without really caring about it. These are the people who never found Truth in the religion they were taught and never realize what they are missing. The thing is, I've never met a Buddhist, Mystic, Witch or Pagan who had not found Truth in their religion (I know several people who practice these). Whereas MOST of the people I know are essentially non-practicing or what I like to call "Holiday Christians." Besides a hand full people, the only Christians I know who have really found Truth and meaning in Christianity are very old.

Christianity is a religion with relatively inefficient teaching methods, they are far too indirect. Why are we still teaching only in parables? Parables are for illiterate people who must pass down values and wisdom through oral tradition and they are FANTASTIC for this. But in today's world literacy is MUCH higher. Relative to the people of Israel some 2000 years ago the people of this country are pretty well educated. Besides this, these parables are AT LEAST 2000 years old. Most of the literature from the bible is not written in today’s terms. When you combine this with the previous fact it is no wonder it takes a Christian her or his entire life to realize Truths that monks in Tibet knew by the time they were 10.

For one thing, Christianity doesn't really tell you what you need to do in order to communicate with God. The best I got was vague advice like : "Just listen for God and he will speak to you." "Pray and God will answer." "Look in your heart, God is there." No priest EVER told me HOW to listen for God. I know that there are Christians out there who know how to do this, and could explain it and teach it but it is NOT part of the core teachings of Christianity. What Christianity does is give people a set of rules to follow so that they can be a good person instead of showing them how to listen to God and have him tell them himself. This is fantastic for uneducated people because EVENTUALLY through living this way they WILL find God (pretty much by chance though) and you never really have to explain a thing to them. They follow the rules because they are afraid of the consequences not because God is leading their heart. This is why Christianity is so popular, it is a religion for people who do not want to focus on spirituality. But for the persons who really are seeking to find Truth, there are much faster methods. Buddhism and Witchcraft directly teach you first to heal yourself and connect with divinity. You then use this connection to know what to do in tough moral situations instead of consulting the rule book which may not apply to the situation anyways AND will be written in a form that was designed to relate to peasants from thousands of years ago AND has been translated through several languages.

If people KNEW God, they would not behave in the way that they do.

The Church has pretty much destroyed everything that Jesus set out to do. Jesus wanted people to get to know God and let him touch your heart and show you your purpose. The Church wants you to follow rules. The Church has failed at its ONLY goal.

I'm not saying that Buddhism is perfect. I'm saying that no religion is perfect. Different people need to hear things in different ways in order to understand them and so different people NEED different religions.

True, I could be wrong and based on Christian theology I am putting quite a bit on the line here. People have used this as an argument against me and I could not answer until now. I cannot just follow a religion because it COULD be right because anyone can make up a religion and tell me that if I don't follow it I'll be screwed. True, Christianity is well established making it a bit more likely to be true. But several other religions are well established and Christianity hasn't been established for as long as many of them. Earth based religions are the oldest. I judge a religion by the quality of life (level of fulfillment, satisfaction, wisdom, good works towards others) of the people who follow it and how quickly they achieve it. Of the religions to which I have had a fair amount of exposure, Christianity is in last place.

A true student of Truth needs to study all of the major religions in order to find ALL the Truths that humanity has uncovered. Truth is undeniable. Truth cannot be told, only experienced. Christianity currently uses the "easiest", but most roundabout way of teaching its Truths. By applying wisdom from other religions I have been able to discover some of the Truths of Christianity.

Perhaps one day a great person will come to unify the Truth's of these different religions. Or perhaps as a collective we can work together with other religions to share these Truths and build our own perfect religion.

ADD/ADHD: Why the Psychiatric View of ADD is Atrocious

2009-12-30T19:10:00.005-05:00

In third grade I was diagnosed with ADHD. I was put on medication and told that my brain was broken. Recently I have discovered that my ADHD is my most important talent. Good thing I stopped taking the medicine! (Please note, some people do have ADHD so bad that they WILL need medication for things like driving, etc but I still believe these people should spend periods of time off medication)

This essay is primarily aimed towards people with ADD or ADHD (and parents who have just discovered that their children have it) who have been told their entire lives that they are somehow handicapped, but the ideas and techniques here can be put to EXCELLENT use by ANYONE. ADD/ADHD is simply a classification for people whose minds make associations faster than average and cause distraction when trying to complete day to day tasks. Everyone's mind does this to a degree (Which is why these techniques will work for anyone) it is simply so extreme with ADD/ADHD people that it causes severe distraction. This distraction causes the person to have extra difficulty in a traditional learning environment. Unfortunately we have managed to completely ignore the amazing benefits that also come with ADD. Instead of embracing the child's differences (aka TALENTS, all talents have a trade-off) we suppress them and then are surprised when they don't excel. Here I explain why our view of this "disorder" is effectively helping us to destroy ourselves.

Basically, our society has deemed thinking too fast a "disorder." ADD/ADHD should not be treated with pharmaceuticals except in the most extreme cases. If you have ADD or ADHD it DOES NOT mean that there is something wrong with you!

It means that you were born to be a thinker.

Be proud of this. You will be faced with difficulties that many other people do not, but the benefits are fantastic. However, you WILL have to train yourself (or your children) in order to take advantage of these benefits.

Your mind works a little differently than what society calls "normal." You cannot stop your mind from thinking at ridiculous speeds. Yes, this will make it difficult to concentrate on what you are "supposed" to be and you will have to learn to cope with this. But take a minute and THINK about what is happening here: Your "problem" is that while you are experiencing something your mind begins to automatically make thousands of associations at an alarming rate and yes it can be a bit distracting. However, if you are able to hone this amazing ability a little bit it means that you can use your mind to create new connections much faster than "normal" people. Because you can make these connections faster it is more likely that you will make connections no one else has ever made because you won't need as much time to realize them.

The awesome part is that this all happens AUTOMATICALLY! With the right technique training you can put your mind almost on auto-pilot for solving problems and discovering new ideas.

The first thing you must learn is how to capture these ideas as fast as you think of them without interrupting the process. Until a better technique comes along I suggest developing shorthand and learning how to write extremely fast (I'll be developing and posting techniques for both of these). Always carry a notebook with you. As ideas and solutions magically appear in your mind, attempt to capture the framework of each one. Later, you will use this framework to fill in the gaps and re-build the idea from your notes. (When re-building you should be able to use the other amazing ADD/ADHD specific ability: hyperfocusing, to really develop it further) You do not have time to write the entire idea as you originally think it or you will slow down your mind and miss hundreds of others that you may never have the opportunity to think of again.
When you first start to do this (especially if at a young age) the ideas you have may not exactly be genius, but as you progress through life you will come to understand more. More understanding makes your mind far more powerful. The more powerful your mind, the more genius your ideas will become and these new ideas will build understanding.

The more ideas you capture,
The more you will understand.
The more you understand,
The more ideas you will have.

Start now! Just write down all the little ideas that pop into your mind throughout the day. You will be surprised at what you come up with.

Always trust yourself. If an idea feels important then it IS important, at least for your understanding. Attempt to prioritize, write down what feels most important first.

Reading intellectually stimulating writing is an important part of this process because it has a high concentration of good ideas that someone has already thought of. This will provide inspiration and help you build a knowledge base for your mind to use for idea creation. If your knowledge base is not in line with reality, then neither will your ideas be. Think of this as tuning your mind to resonate with reality. Because of this you must be somewhat selective in what you read, especially in the beginning. Tune your mind by reading material that is well supported. But remember to always question and think about what you read! That is the point of all of this. Also, for beneficial growth you must have the courage to say what you think and believe. Talk to people about your ideas, share with them. The right people will help you to come to further understanding. However, again be careful because the wrong people will doubt you and reject your theories without thinking about them. These people are called "idiots." Idiots do not think, they listen to whatever they are told first, believe it and deny anything else. Idiots will do everything they can to prevent humanity from making any progress whatsoever. Ignore what the idiot says, but do not ignore the idiot. Teach them how to not be an idiot; this is your responsibility as a non-idiot. Do not be harsh, do not be cruel, do not be condescending; just inspire.

Art is another place to find inspiration and ideas. Learn how to understand art (I will be writing about this very soon). The fantastic thing about art is that it is almost impossible for it to skew your knowledge base because art is truth. Unlike regular written word, art itself cannot reveal falsities. This does not mean that you cannot come up with false conclusions after being inspired but that you can't really pick the wrong art to find inspiration. Choose whatever you are drawn to.

There are a few pitfalls you must be careful of: not paying attention to what people say and interrupting people during a conversation. You should work hard to correct these two downsides of ADD/ADHD. It takes discipline but you are capable. This is simply a part of treating people with respect. If you cannot communicate with people then anything you discover is worthless because you cannot share it with humanity. I will be writing more on the subject of clear communication in the future.

I am also working on a technique for memorizing these ideas you have. With this you will not be limited by anything except the speed of your mind and remember that having an amazingly fast mind is what you have been told is your problem. . .

When the world realizes this, they are going to all wish they could be like you.

A Little Dream Magic to Improve Motivation and Solve Your Problems (Why do we dream?)

2009-12-30T04:18:00.009-05:00

This is a technique that I came up with today. I was speaking to my close friend, trying to help her address a personal issue. She told me that she had been thinking about it yesterday and that she assumed she would feel better today but when today came she only felt worse. I thought, and said "Well, if you think about something all day, you are bound to think about it when you sleep." She had been thinking about something upsetting all day long and felt lethargic and depressed the next morning as a result!

From this thought I developed the following technique for improving your optimism and motivation in life as well as solving all of your problems and achieving your dreams (Pretty much)

For about 15 minutes before you go to bed every night do the following thinking:

First concentrate on all of the positive things in your life. Feel thankful for every little thing that you have. Do this for about five minutes.

Next, consider all of your aspirations and dreams. No matter how extreme they are, fill yourself with hope. Visualize yourself achieving these goals. Do this for about five minutes.

Third, think about the problems/difficulties you are facing in your life or any questions you have that you are struggling with. Consider possible solutions in as hopeful a manner as possible. Now tell yourself that everything will turn out for the best and believe it, have confidence. Reassure yourself that you are capable and that the answers will come with time. Do this for about five minutes.

Concentrate finally on a sense of peace and hope, fall asleep with this feeling

Theory:

This will serve several purposes:

1) Your mind will also work on your problem, when you wake up you may have the answer! Even if you don't quite have the answer, you WILL be closer to understanding. Science has proven that thinking about problems before going to sleep helps your mind to solve them.

2) Visualization has long been taught as a step to success. By visualizing what you want you are focusing your mind on the things you care most about doing. So your brain will be thinking all night figuring out ways to make it possible!!!

3) Your brain will continue to think in this positive manner while growing overnight, ingraining optimism and motivation into your brain's pattern. Note that your brain's pattern is also referred to as YOU.

4) We know from experience that thinking about something bad before sleeping makes you feel bad the next day.

5) Relaxing and thinking relaxing, comforting thoughts will help you to fall asleep quickly and restlessly

Notice the first three. This technique will help you: develop the solutions to your problems, find the path to your dreams and give you the motivation to implement both!!!

This technique will help you to achieve your dreams. Perhaps whatever force which is guiding us taught us to take advantage of these facts by teaching us prayer?

I believe that if we have an intelligent creator this may be the REASON that we dream. It provides us with a way to program our desires into our subconscious mind in order to actualize them.

Changing your mind is the first step to changing your world. Take the step. Now!

Explaining tough subjects to children

2009-12-26T01:55:00.004-05:00

There are two things I would like for you to keep in mind as you read this essay.

1) What I am saying here is inspired by ideas I had while reading an amazing book about learning to play piano. The chapter talks about Post-Practice Improvement. It can be found for free (legally) here: http://www.pianofundamentals.com/book/en/1.II.15

I have no formal education in child psychology. I took a good psychology class in high school, I think and read about things a lot, Being a student I have practiced some learning techniques myself, people and IQ tests tell me that I am smart and I almost have an engineering degree(with decent grades). These are just about my only credentials. I believe that the author of that book knows what he was talking about, as the techniques in his book are brilliant and the structure of the book is excellent. Based on his account he is well educated.

2) In this essay I am talking about experimental techniques for teaching children about life and the world while training them how to learn in the most effective manner. I think in many people's minds that this will conjure up images of children being monitored in rooms all day in some white building but that is not what this is at all. These children would be with their families in a very loving environment. These methods would not interfere with the day to day life of the child and rather ought to improve it by helping them to learn efficiently, leaving more time for other things. Imagine not a hospital, but a warm family room with a loving parent feeding the thirst of a curious child. (I say feeding because quenching implies that the curiosity goes a way, when in fact it likely will grow when learning is presented in a fun and positive manner. Think Faust without the evil involvement)

I am writing about this in a rather mechanical way, but this would NOT be a mechanical environment. We are avoiding that and attempting to embrace and work together with our own nature.

Perhaps you can take advantage of the way that the mind learns to help explain complex topics to children. When a child comes to you with a question to which the answer is very complecated or difficult for the child to comprehend work with the physiological growth. Begin to introduce the concepts in simple language. Break them up into small bits and present them in as linear a fashion as possible. If your child seems to understand, continue until she/he does not, or is having much difficulty with the concept(when the rate of return has significantly decreased.). Now is when you are actually teaching the child something new. Up until this point you were making simple connections in the child's mind by helping them reorganize concepts that they already can grasp. You must keep the explanation of new information pretty short (From my source of information, probably within 10 minutes. The 10 minutes really shouldn't be a measure of the length of the conversation but the length of time spent actually trying to understand a new, previously not understood concept. This means a max of 10 minutes of saying things that the child doesn't understand. As long as the child understands, you can talk as much as you want. The difficulty comes, in determining when exactly this is happening. It needs to be studied.). If you reach this "time limit" stop explaining. After you stop (either because of time or lack of understanding) ask the child to think about it again later, before they go to sleep (remind them when you send them off or tuck them in) and tell them that you can talk about it again the next day or the day after. Give them some kind of prompt, something to help stimulate their mind and lead them in the right direction a question of some sort would probably do very well.

A mind can only handle so much new learning at a time. Once the novel stimuli has been experienced, growth begins in the mind. This growth has to happen over time. So you stimulate them and get them thinking in the right direction. Then you stop and allow their mind to take it in and grow overnight. During the follow-up the child should have come to some sort of a conclusion. Review this with the child and see if they can better understand the issue. Correct their hypothesis if nessecary but not by just telling them they are wrong. Show them why they are wrong. Basically you just repeat this process. Help them to gradually learn. It is an iteritive process. By teaching your child in these ways you don't just teach them about difficult topics, but you also teach them how to learn most efficiently! When your child gets older you should explain this process to her/him. They will already have the habit, but will be unlikely to understand why they should keep this habit unless it is explained. With this knowledge the child will be able to take full advantage of their good habits and can use them to their benefit throughout their life.

I am applying knowledge of the way that the brain absorbs new training/skill and applying it to hypothesis about the way the brain absorbs new understandings because I believe that understanding something new IS a skill. I don't mean understanding in general, I mean that understanding a particular concept requires a new skill, a new understanding that is unique to that concept. When the child tries to understand they are practicing a new understanding technique. The brain's capacity for knowledge is infinite (or infinite enough) but the rate at which it can learn a new skill is limited. After a certain amount of time you begin to do damage to the learning process. This is hard to swallow because it is counter-intuitive. To apply this you will have to in many cases counteract not only your intuition but also that of the child. I want to see an experiment. I don't think it would be difficult to prove.

Also, don't worry about limiting it to one topic a day. A growing child's mind is amazing, a separate topic will stimulate growth in a different area of the brain. As long as they are asking questions answer. I don't care if it takes you all day, these are your children. This is likely the most important thing you will ever do.

Some good variables to concider for experimentation are: the amount of time talking to the children, time left for them to think, time of day and when they sleep, how long they sleep, the complexity of the issue, the explaination, child's age and experiences with the subject, the child's IQ (preferably one of the new style IQ tests)

Edit: Thanks to Joel for working back and forth with me on this. He doesn't agree with everything I say in this essay but has helped me better understand which parts were unclear. I have modified these.

Plans for being a parent, IE parental engineering 101

2009-12-23T18:39:00.004-05:00

I think I'll probably be ready enough by the time I am 28. Not that I can ever truly be ready but there is a target in mind. There is more that I need to learn about language, music and this world. So that I may create an environment that promtes love and respect, encourages curiosity and learning and values courage, kindness, honesty and responsibility. I need to have better habits. I also need to mature to be stronger and more courageous so that I may support this environment. Fortunately, when I have the courage to have a child I will know that I have all the courage I need.

Dear Jesse of the future,

Congratulations!

Lead the children! Don't force them into activities. Rather, expose your child to them in a manner which stimulates their curiosity. Attempt to share what you know and love because you will be a good teacher but if the child is not interested instead focus your energies on helping them find their own natural interests. But don't find it for them! Encourage, support and lead them to opportunities. Don't tell them what to try (unless asked for a suggestion of course!), instead show them how to live with an open mind. Always engage questions. Help the child to understand early on that the answer to a question is not simple; that life is a quest for knowledge that is long and rewarding (Instead of letting their perspectives crash when they realise that their model of the world is highly idealized. You can't just tell them this an expect them to understand. Demonstrate with examples and then explain). Stifling questions teaches the child to stay put and not advance in life. Giving curt answers implies that the answer is absolute and children take things literally. Help them to have as much fun as is safe! Teach them how to keep their childhood alive throughout their lives so that they will always go forward to learn more.

Listen to instrumental music together with the children. Pick pieces that have inspired and enlightened you. Spending time with the children in this safe comfortable environment will help them to develop a sense of support, a mental bunker of happiness, the music will create a trigger for them to access these safe feelings throughout their lives (Maybe try having a particular distinct smell always present at these times, alternate it through the years to give them more precise control and avoid having the entire set of memories tainted by an accedental bad experience)

Would be nice to have a community of people who share theories, techniques and experiences in a sort of parenting manual that can be passed down.

Likely more to come on this topic in the future. It is something important to focus on.

My Unreleased Album

2009-12-23T06:08:00.004-05:00

In 2005-2006 I composed an album which I never released to the public. (Not that anyone was waiting for it) The album was finished, but it still felt incomplete to me. Tonight I completed it.

This past year has been rough for me. I have faced difficulties that I previously couldn’t have even understood. Early in the year my issues were purely emotional. Being faced with situations that I had never encountered, my system broke. Though I doubt anyone beyond my closest friends even noticed, I was often unstable and upset. Writing this, I’m beginning to see that I have never understood my emotions. I treated them more like a black box and only analyzed the inputs and outputs, ignoring the process. I simply felt them, accepted them and then controlled my reaction. I would ask, “What made me feel that?” but not, “Why did it make me feel that?”. To survive this year I had to start asking that question.

It is April and my war ends. Spring has come. Slowly, I rebuild my tattered perspective. I scrutinize the pieces, attempting to keep only those which are sound; many are not. Viewpoints and understandings that I have developed over years of contemplation are gone, rendered useless by new evidence. The devastation is quiet drastic, yet I hold fast. My resilience surprises me and provides faith.

The gaping holes in my perspective lead to questions. Some of them are new to me but frustratingly many are essentially rephrasing of questions to which I had thought I already had the answer.

Looking back, I can see the beauty in my struggle; the unending journey for Truth, understanding and wisdom that we all travel (Some a bit more waywardly than others, I might add). I can also see that I have traveled well for I am far from where I was last year and the mountain I am now on is taller. I am satisfied with my progress but still have infinity to go, so no time for rest.

My new vantage point has come with a surprise. Over the year my understanding of art, in all forms, has grown profoundly. My old understanding now seems ridiculous, like a blind person explaining what a rainbow looks like. I am rather excited. Most importantly I better understand my emotions. Without this understanding my creativity was lead mostly by intuition and slightly by a third grade understanding of art. My work had no focus because I could not conceptualize that upon which art focuses. The second major understanding is much less obvious and not truly necessary to create great art. However, it essentially allows me to translate between engineering and art. Thus, I can put all of this expensive engineering training to work making art as well! I am beginning to understand the ways in which our minds actually function, along with how we naturally react to certain stimuli. Before this the phrase, “Music is the Universal language.” had no real meaning to me.

I feel like I need a disclaimer here for anyone who doesn’t know me personally. I have always loved music and art, despite my math, science and engineering focus. As far as musical involvement: I played saxophone in 5^th & 6^th grade, taught myself a bit of keyboard in 8^th grade, started teaching myself guitar in 10^th grade, started teaching myself bass guitar in 11^th grade, started teaching myself drums in 11^th grade as well, played bass guitar in a small band for 2 years, composed an electronic album in 12^th grade, sang in choir in 12^th grade and performed in musical theatre in 11^th and 12^th grade.

I tell you all of this only to emphasize how ridiculous it is that I did not realize any of this sooner. I always had a terrible time keeping up my motivation practicing any of these instruments. (Except bass guitar, social involvement/pressure with the band plus band class senior year got me pretty sharp) I kept coming back in cycles because I had surpluses of creative energy but I did not understand the process of using it. This built up energy is uncomfortable. So, I spent my energy inefficiently and quickly became frustrated when the fun part of playing an instrument, creating, had such a high failure rate

Now, finally, I am ready to truly begin my musical education. Unfortunately I don’t have the amounts of free time I had in high school to devote to music but still, there will be time enough.

I owe quite a bit of credit to my best friend, though he didn’t realize it. He is a film director and I often work with him to help produce movies (though often only theoretically haha). It is from listening to his vivid, in-depth analysis of the scene from Quentin Tarantino’s film “Death Proof” in which Jungle Julia is listening to the jukebox and swinging her hair that first lead me down the right train of thought. He kept talking about the mood of the scene and how every aspect of the image communicates this mood. It got me to ask myself what the focus was in my own work. I now have come to the conclusion that my focuses were often weak because I couldn’t really grasp the focus myself.

Now. . . I mentioned an album. . . Tonight, while driving my old album started playing on my iPod. It feels like my songs have changed, but I know that it is I that have changed. Tonight I can feel the emotions in the songs I wrote (I’m lucky I never wrote lyrics for them though). They are not perfect but they are pleasant and relaxing. This time when I listen I understand why I made the choices I did while composing because I can understand the emotion which was trying to convey. For the first time I can call my work complete. I have chosen to not modify any of the compositions of the songs nor the album arrangement. Any regrets I have with the album will stand as a benchmark for my progress. Besides this, I have plenty more music to create, music that has more potential in the first place because my goal will be in mind.

Furthermore, as a symbol and celebration of this achievement I am releasing the album, right here, right now.

Feel free to use these tracks for anything you want. Just mention me in a credit, I usually go by the pseudonym “JessXe” (also, a link would be nice! ^_^) and let me know so I can hear it!

The album Title is “Poetry” I consider it to be experimental electronic music. Kompt2, bumpin2 and hot beat are my favorites. You're going to need a system capable of low lows to hear hot beat properly.

Sorry about this website's lack of organization. I recommend downloading them all and putting them in a playlist in order.

1. 1. Is Our Mother There? - Reason 3.0

2. 2. Storm Horizon -Reason 3.0 (My first Reason Composition)

3. 3. Jazzy2 -Reason 3.0

4. 4. Racin’ -Reason 3.0

5. 5. Kompt2 -Drums Reason 3.0 –acoustic guitar –electric guitar –electric bass guitar -keyboard

6. 6. Happy Dream Song -Reason 3.0

7. 7. Ist (Pt 2) -Reason 3.0

8. 8. Cool -Reason 3.0

9. 9. Bumpin2 -Reason 3.0

10. 10. Minor -Reason 3.0

11. 11. Sweetbeats -Reason 3.0

12. 12. Hot Beat -Reason 3.0

Today is the day I stop being an aspiring artist.

Mental State

2009-12-16T23:25:00.002-05:00

s i

r y a

r d a

My Motivations for Learning Chinese

2009-12-11T03:33:00.003-05:00

My Chinese professor asked us to write an essay about our motivations for learning Chinese. So I did an in-depth analysis of where my motivation stems from. Below is my response to her prompt.

This may be a little long and read a little “self-absorbed” but writing this out helps me to analyze and improve myself, while also fulfilling your request. I hope that you find it interesting and not too drawn out. To fully explain my motivations for learning Chinese, I must start three years ago. A new movement in my life was beginning:
December 2006, My first semester of college coming to a close I am young and full of vigor for life. I have survived the first semester in the Speed School of Engineering studying computer engineering. The school I have heard of since my childhood. My father's alma mater, rumored to be so difficult. Yet here I stand with decent grades and a good understanding of the concepts. I, the one who always felt like the slacker with the poor grades have finally achieved an academic goal of substantial repute. So it follows that I feel welled up with motivation; my ambitions are high.
On December 4th 2006 I made a series of posts to my newly started blog at http://wandertowonder.blogspot.com . In these posts I start to document some of the philosophical thoughts I'm having because I am disappointed that I have forgotten so many ideas in the past. I also lay out a series of goals I intend to achieve. Some of my plans are a bit extreme and silly, but I am never-the-less convinced that I will achieve them all. As I progress into my winter break my dreams become even more interesting. Most notably are the experimentation with polyphasic sleep cycles (Taking a 20 minute nap once every 6 hours instead of sleeping at night) and learning the international language Esperanto (世界语).
Despite my recent success and source of ambition I feel intellectually trapped and artistically restricted. To alleviate this, I begin to explore the world of foreign languages. I believe that our higher level thought patterns are so intimately integrated with language that by limiting ourselves to one language we also limit ourselves to the particular associations and therefore also to the particular viewpoints inherent in the structure of the language we are tied to. I could not stand the thought of this! At this point in time I struggle most for freedom of my mind and language exploration is purely a logical step in expanding my mind and my understanding. There is, at this point, no ethical, cultural or social aspect to my infantile language desires; it is purely fueled by intellectual ambition. I soon discover that intellectual ambition alone is not enough to power the learning of a foreign language, even if that language is one of the easiest on the planet to learn.
My intention is to use Esperanto as a stepping stone language. I have read that the most difficult aspect of learning a second language was breaking out of the “one language mindset.” After a second language is learned, the learning curve for the third language is decreased because it requires little further mindset modification. Inspired by studies done comparing French language students with Esperanto experience to those with no Esperanto experience[1] I will use the easiest-to-learn language to break this mindset thus making further language study easier. I study Esperanto heavily for three weeks, taking an online correspondence course. Much of my time is spent waiting for responses from my mentor to check my coursework. This is no problem. I have more time than I can ask for, because outside of work I have few responsibilities over this break. Not to mention, I'm only sleeping a total of 2 hours a day due to the polyphasic sleeping cycles I am trying (Note that much of this is documented in my blog's archives). I have a blast and come out being able to read and write Esperanto at a basic level. However, January comes and with it return the responsibilities of school. I am forced to resign from polyphasic sleeping due to scheduling conflicts. My motivation to run through Esperanto flash cards weekly to memorize more root words rapidly deteriorates and soon falters a month or so later.
For a two year hiatus I have little to no thoughts about Esperanto or any foreign language for that matter. It is April 2008 and I am in the last week or so of work at my first computer engineering job as a CO-OP worker at a large appliance manufacturer. I am again in a phase of self-improvement. I'm trying to eat more healthfully, I've started a media production company with my best friend Bo and girlfriend Allison to make motion pictures and I am learning how to budget and manage my money as I now have a fair amount of it for the first time in my life. I am a very different person than I was in early 2007. I've faced more of my own failures, my mental viewpoint has expanded and I judge myself by different criteria. It is time for my performance review. My boss and I spend and hour or so on a slow Friday evening discussing the work I've been doing for the past four months. During the review, my boss is emphasizing the importance of clear communication and he praises me for being able to communicate very well in various situations. He tells me that one of my most valuable traits is my ability to communicate clearly across cultural barriers, language barriers and technical knowledge barriers. After thinking for a second, a connection is made in my mind and I explain to him that I must attribute much of this to my study of Esperanto two years ago. Studying Esperanto greatly increased my understanding of the general structure of language and had revealed many insights into human communication for me. Though I have forgotten many of the details of the language, this understanding had endured and, in fact, matured while my mind subconsciously analyzed and compared it to daily observations.
Later that weekend, my in-review revelation has brought Esperanto back to the forefront my mind. I decide that I would like to give it another shot. So, I pick up a book from the library about Esperanto. Unlike the correspondence course, this book begins to introduce the culture and philosophy behind the Esperanto movement. I read samples from Esperanto literature that reinforce these ideals. I learn that the purpose of Esperanto is to spread equality across all the nations of the world. I come to see how the world could be a better place if the people of different nations could communicate directly, instead of only through the eyes of their government or media. If this were possible people would come to see that they are not so different from the people they have been told are their enemies. I can also see the injustice in the way that the world currently deals with the language problem. The people of the world are expected to learn the language of the country with economic “dominance.” The system in place is unreasonable. It helps to perpetuate the problem because learning a new language is difficult and achieving fluency in any one of the National Languages requires years of concentrated study if ever achieved at all. How is it fair for one person to be perpetually at a disadvantage when partaking in International affairs, simply because they were born in the “wrong” country at the “wrong” time while another is perpetually at an advantage? How about instead of piling the disadvantage on particular groups of people, we spread the disadvantage equally across all people? How about we teach our children both the language of our nation and a secondary language of our world? A worldwide language, designed to be easy to learn so that we do not have to sacrifice any of our cultural heritage to spend time learning it but also powerful enough that we can communicate with any other person on the planet as well we can with our own brethren. These are the new ideas swimming through my mind. These are my hopes and dreams for the world, but I can find no one around me who truly shares my optimism and can also provide reliable support. With no one to practice with, I find it difficult to improve my spoken fluency and my listening comprehension. As a person with a history of weak motivation, I find it difficult to maintain without any occasional external human support. It is true that the internet is there, and there Esperanto speakers are readily available, but my online friends cannot use guilt to my benefit in the way that friends who live with me everyday can. These social structures are present in all of our lives. Much of what you do is motivated by your own desires, but also supported by your friends and family in your times of weakness. While no one actively discourages my Esperanto study, no one partakes with me. So, though I continue to learn Esperanto little by little over the summer, I also start to look for the next language I will learn. Perhaps by learning a more popular language and taking a course I will at least have classmates to practice with.
After a summer back at Speed School I return to work in my CO-OP position. In my free time I have begun to learn basic meanings of Japanese characters and how to write them. I am drawn to Japanese because it is so vastly different from English. I considered Chinese, but up to this point I have given little thought to China and in a way, like much of the world, it does not even seem like a real place to me. I mean sure I know things about China. I like Chinese food, I know what the Chinese language sounds like to a degree, I know what Chinese people look like, I know of a few customs but I have no idea what the real China is like. But an event occurs that I could not have planned for; I find a little sister that I did not know I had. Now, this all changes.
I have heard little bits of information about my friend's roommate through my friend's messages on Facebook and through stories my girlfriend told me after visiting her college in Murray, KY. But really, all I know is that she is from China and she goes by the name Ivy. She has come home with my friend to see her hometown. I am excited for the opportunity to meet and talk to a person from a country so different from my own. The feeling as we talk is surreal and unique, but also familiar. I know this type of feeling. Having only been in the country for two months she still hesitates and speaks in somewhat broken English, yet I understand clearly everything she means to say. It is a rare and beautiful moment when you meet a person and know without a doubt that they will help shape the rest of your life.
Later in the evening Ivy, Allison and I are in the living room. I am sitting on the floor, Allison in a chair and Ivy, likely worn out from the travel and excitement of the day, is reclined on the couch. I am asking her about the Chinese language and she tries to explain to me its ancient history and beauty. She speaks of how the language, bound with tradition, has passed for thousands of years through the generations of Chinese people. After a few moments of talking she falls asleep, simply too exhausted to go on. I'll never forget the words she utters while passing into sleep, a single tear in the corner of her eye, “So beautiful. So historical.”
Though Murray is rather far from Louisville I am fortunate enough to be able to communicate regularly and visit a few times. Ivy, acting as a window into her motherland, allows me to have little glimpses into Chinese culture. When we visit her in Murray and while she stays in Louisville for winter break she often prepares simple but delicious homemade Chinese meals for us. Allison and I plan a trip to New York for Allison, Ivy, my friend, my friend's mother and I. Over spring break we attempt to explore the massive and magnificent city. Allison, Ivy and I spend one day on a search through Chinatown. I am excited to be able to understand a word or phrase here and there as Ivy asks street vendors where to find particular items. Not confident in my speaking abilities, I hesitate when the owner of a small market looks to me over the counter and says ”十七点四一美元。“ They laugh lightheartedly at the blank expression on my face as I try to be sure I heard correctly, but are surprised when I pull out the proper amount a moment later.
Through these experiences I only see little parts of what China is, but every bit I encounter inspires more wonder, curiosity and respect. From my attempts learning Esperanto I have learned about myself and what motivates me. My desire to learn Chinese has evolved from that spark of an idea three years ago to free my mind from a single language into a complex array of motivation and even a part of who I am. I am inspired to learn Chinese to further understand the culture, to become a part of the history and to speak to my little sister in her own language, but also for reasons I cannot identify with a simple word or concept. These reasons can only be explained through the story you have just read.

[1] Williams, N. (1965) 'A language teaching experiment', Canadian Modern Language Review 22.1: 26-28

Creation

2009-12-09T15:58:00.002-05:00

I can imagine it now, the moment of the creation of life. When the first organism miraculously appeared. Small, tiny, if it were here today you would not be able to see it with your own eyes. But life! You can imagine it too, you do it all of the time. You create everyday a new idea, a new thought a new connection or most powerfully, a laugh!

What am I?

2009-12-05T03:08:00.000-05:00

I am a complicated combination of electrical signals which form a unique and dynamic pattern. This pattern resides in a housing which serves as a means of producing the pattern as well as allowing it to sense and affect the physical world. There are other patterns, similar to mine. Our individual patterns together with our individual housing that makes them possible are called human beings.

We each experience the world seperately and our patterns reflect our experiences. The pattern that I am started as the pattern I was born with. This oringinal pattern is encoded and stored within my DNA. The pattern is structured in such a way that as it is introduced to new stimuli it changes itself to adapt and react in a way that is percieved as correct.

I further modify myself by interacting with others. Through simlar or common experiences we are able to understand one another, to a degree. The most common and most important factor in day to day communication is culture. Culture is a culmantion of experiences common to most members a society. It is this that gives our language meaning because language is an encoding of the concepts of the known universe and culture is the encoder/decoder. When we speak we put things in terms of our culture and this transcends the language being used.

Culture is how we relate our ideas, language is how we express them.

In order to communicate effectively when speaking to someone from a very different culture we must understand the differences between our cultures because this knowledge allows us to translate our ideas into the terms of their culture. Without this understanding it does not matter how well we can speak their language. Of course, almost no human is from a COMPLETELY different culture because while there are national and regional cultures that may be very different there is also a more general Human culture common to almost every human. For example, every human has the common experience of eating food.

This becomes even more interesting when you think about the way that you think. I use language in my mind as a tool to relate and understand high level concepts. Without this tool I would be forced to think on a much lower level and would not be capable of entertaining higher level concepts. So in a way language makes up a large part of who I am because it is how I relate to the world. But the language I use is meaningless without culture. So really it is through my culture that I can understand the world. My culture is impressed upon the pattern that is I. My culture is part of me and not just in some symbolic way. It actually is a part of who I am.

Now I've looked at part of the high level end, now I want to go back down to the low level. The pattern that I am is a combination of electrical signals. I don't know exactly how to communicate the details of the next part. The over all idea, however, is that the components that make up my consciousness are the same as the regular components of the physical world.

Disclaimer

2009-12-05T03:05:00.001-05:00

I've posted the following as a message to anyone with whom I have ever attempted to have an intelligent philosophical conversation. I originally drafted it as an email to Joel, so he deserves some credit for inspiration if he wants it. I post intending it to be both an insight into me in order to improve our communication and also a disclaimer for the things I say. I feel it is only fair for me to share this publicly if I intend to speak in a way that promotes progress and development:

"So, a funny thing happened to me today. I am sitting in my room thinking while taking a break from working on homework. I grab a slice of pizza and ask myself who I am I start to think about and break down some of the abstractions that I usually rest my judgment on. This of course changes my perspective. Now I am thinking about things that I usually ignore for sake of convenience. Now I can see the path that I am on and I can experience as a whole what I understand. I cannot explain it, I cannot communicate it, but I know what I know and I know what I don't know. I have to, at this point, attempt to be perfectly honest with myself and everyone; to speak in this manner despite how foolish I may sound because it is the only way that I know to improve myself. I have reached this point because of what I have learned; because every time I learn something, I realize that I know less than I thought I knew. Though really I suppose this is just the feeling of new awareness. I think I had taken it for granted.

You see, but I also am aware of the fact that the culmination of what I know is incomplete and so therefore could be DEAD WRONG when viewed with respect to how much there could be to know. However, to act as a sane person, I must behave with the assumption that my assumptions are correct and it is with this assumption that I am most unassured.

So basically this means that the only reason I am not a crazy person is because I don't want to be. Luckily I do know that I don't want to be a crazy person, but I don't know why.
I hope that this doesn't make me seem crazy, however. (Note I am kind of following your lead here and breaking social norms[ by giving you my thoughts in an unedited form here and it is important that you know this in order to properly understand this. I am being as explicit as possible.] )

But this space is a bit uncomfortable because I don't like acting with out all of the information, even though we all must do it boldly, everyday. I suppose that's why courage is what powers the most heroic, terrific and the most terrifying of all."

I'm not sure if this communication is clear. It is likely to be misinterpreted due to an err on my part, but I thought I should give it a shot anyways. I'm not going to worry about if it is clearly understood or not, because I know that I cannot at this moment in time explain it any better. However, criticism is appreciated if available because the new information may help me to better communicate.

My goodness

2007-11-20T20:32:00.001-05:00

Well, my goodness. I am terrible at these blog things. It's frustrating. My life is a lot different from last year. here is my summary of what happened since my last post:

I quit polyphasic sleeping,
I started learning Esperanto,
I started taking Karate
I put off learning Esperanto
I turned 19
I went to Florida with Jetgyp and my girlfriend to visit Jetgyp's sister
I left the Catholic Church,
I joined a coven of Witches,
I had a really rough summer in speed school,
Jetgyp moved to Florida to live with his siter
I quit Karate,
Jetgyp moved to Nashville Tennessee with some guy
I've had an OK fall semester,
I got a COOP job as a Computer Engineer.(I start January 2nd)
I think that's the important stuff.

still lots of oversleeping

2006-12-25T15:01:00.000-05:00

since last Monday I have overslept an hour or more about every two days. Other than that nothing substantial has happend ith the sleeping pattern.

Better

2006-12-18T16:24:00.000-05:00

My naps yesterday were restless and dreamless(so no REM and no refreshment) Jetgyp was over till about 4:30 AM. I took a shower when he left and ate. I was done at about 6. My body REALLY wanted to go to sleep! but I fought it and tried reading about memorization techniques. It was extremely hard to concentrate on what I was reading, the call to sleep was getting stronger. I decided to switch to a less mental task.

My room is in shambles but I was too tired to walk around and clean, so instead I sat on the couch and folded clothes slightly nodding off.

The last thing I really remember was seeing the clock at 7:35AM praying for it to be 8. I don't know if I fell asleep then or if I actually waited till 8 but all of a sudden it was 8:30 and for some reason I thought that I had forgotten to go to sleep so I slept till 9. My girlfriend called shortly after 9 to make sure I wasn't sleeping in. I don't remember it but she says I answered the phone and told her I wasn't sleeping and that I wasn't going to sleep. but I actually woke at 10 and went to her house, when I got there she explained the phone call. My 2 PM nap was really really nice, I pushed it back 10 mins, but it was great. I had a weird little dream and felt totally rested.

I then went to a used bookstore and home. Now I'm going to finally get this damn room clean!

AGAIN!?

2006-12-17T13:12:00.000-05:00

I slept extra again this morning. I was at Jetgyp's till 4 somthing. I then went home and ate while cleaning. Then at 5:30 AM I decided for some reason to lay down for a minute. I woke up at 10. From now on when ever I lay down for anything I'm going to set my alarm to go off 30 minutes later so that I can never sleep more than 30 minutes. Becaue as long as I don't do that I won't screw my schedual up too bad.

Week two

2006-12-17T01:36:00.000-05:00

The first day of my second week has gone well. I slept and woke up from all of my naps very nicely. The only deviating I did was I pushed my 8 PM back 10 mins. I am now at Jetgyp's house watching a very old horror movie called "The Terror" costarring a young Jack Nicholson.

Starting over

2006-12-16T11:00:00.000-05:00

Wenesday night(Thursdy morning) I slept an extra 6 hours by mistake, thursday I had to push back my 8 o clock nap because I was helping my girlfriend with her car and I tried to make it up in the car ride home(I wasn't driving!), but that failed. Friday I skipped my 2 PM nap because of work, the 8 PM went well, but I went to bed at 2AM and woke up at 8:30AM this morning! I'm going to blame that on my nap skipping.
Anyways I'm basically starting over today. I'm going to try harder this time around to not screw up any more. I've given myself till the day before Christmas Eve to get this down, otherwise I'm going to have to drop it.

Big update

2006-12-13T02:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a little weird. after writing my little blog I ate some and then went over to my girlfriend's house. While on the way I did not feel tired, however, I kept "Blanking out" it was like I was falling asleep while driving except it was more like my brain had a light switch attached and someone kept flicking it off then on really quickly. At 2 I had my nap. My girlfriend came and woke me up at 2:30. I woke up but I wasn't really awake. She asked me three times how to turn my alarm clock off, but each time I just responded with "what??". She made me stand up, but I protested saying "Wait! Wait!" I sat back down on the bed, picked the little battery operated clock up and dropped it on the floor, stood up and said "OK". I never truly woke until around 3. We were sitting in my kitchen and NOTHING made sense to me, so I just kept trying to figure out what the hell was going on. It was really hard though because my brain kept turning off and then I'd have to start my thought process over again. finally I managed to keep it on by visualizing a candle with all my energy. I moved from this to focusing on my surroundings and then fully woke up.
The rest of the day I spent at the mall. I went home around 7:30 and at 8 just slept in my car in my driveway, it as an OK nap. My girlfriend came over around 11. I felt really really tired, she left at 1:30. I watched some episode of Futurama. at 2 i took my nap. I got up
and watched another episode of futurama. I then apparently fell asleep till 6:35 then I was up for awhile and fell asleep till 8:30. I got up took a shower and went over to my girlfriends house. I was mad about the oversleeping and figured I wouldn't be able to nap. I was wrong. right around 2 i began to feel tired and went to sleep. At 2:30 my girlfriend didn't have to wake me because I woke up to my alarm and felt really good. I bought two books by Ursula K. Le Guin. My 8 nap when much like the 2 except it was in my car. My and my girlfriend went and saw The Pick of Destiny. at my 2 AM nap I didn't think I could get to sleep but I did when I woke up though I felt like I did something wrong and didn't sleep at the right time or something but then i slowly came to realize that I had sleep just right. Now I'm going to eat, shower and read.

doing well

2006-12-11T11:27:00.000-05:00

I've been doing pretty well today, no over or undersleeps yet. I have been eating and going to the bathroom a lot . I don't know if it is related to the sleeping change or not but I thought I would mention it incase it is realated.

24 hours

2006-12-11T01:45:00.000-05:00

In about fifteen minutes I will be going back to sleep, signaling the end of my first 24 hours in this project.

I decided to go out to dinner and to a movie with my girlfriend. so at about 7:30 we met up at the movie theatre and got our tickets and then i drove us to the restaurant we wanted to eat at, I went in and made reservations for 8:30. I went back out to my car where I had set up a pretty comfy bed in the backseat and gave my girlfriend my laptop so she wouldn't be bored and asked her to wake me. at 8 I went to sleep. I didn't feel like I was sleeping but when I got up I felt like I had slept for hours and it felt pretty great. We went to dinner and to the movie("Stranger than fiction" it was quite excellent) afterwards we met up with Jetgyp at Stake and Shake and had a good time. Now I'm back at his place again and about to sleep

Day one Update from about 4:20 PM

2006-12-10T18:45:00.000-05:00

Ok. I've made it through my second and third naps, watched two movies, eaten a lot and accidentally slept two extra hours.
Around 5 in the morning I was really tired and nodding off so I decided to take a shower to keep myself awake. I did that for an hour, at 6 I made a vegetable and cheese wrap(bad idea) while I watched Star Wars episode II. I really started dying as 8 AM drew closer and closer, the nodding off got worse and worse until finally the clock said 7:59. At this point I pulled my blankets together and my head hit the pillow at 8. It took me a while but I finally got to sleep. My clock woke me up at 8:30 and it took me a couple minutes to even figure out what was going on. About ten minutes later I laid back just to feel my pillow, because it was so soft and warm. Then my clock suddenly said 11. DAMN. I was kind of ticked but at least felt a little refreshed(but still pretty tired). I got up and ate some breakfast and finished watching star wars. I went to the bathroom, got some cheesecake and decided to watch "She's the man" which is based on Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night" At two I paused the movie, ask my dad to wake me if I slept past 2:30 and I got in bed. I didn't feel that tired but I got to sort of a half sleep state. My family as being really loud outside my door but it didn't really bother me until my youngest sister decided to come in, set something on top of me and then go take my movie out of the DVD player. Since she had already woken me up, I sat up and asked her what she was doing and why she was take a movie that someone was watching. She left and I looked at the clock it read 2:23. Great I thought as I lay back down. I laid there till it was 2:30 and I got up, despite the interruption I felt pretty good. I finished my movie, played with my dog and ate some more. It is 4:45 right now and I feel wide awake, but bored. I'm probably going to clean some more. I could watch another movie but I don't think I want to, I would much rather read a book as I never have time to do that anymore.(till now of course)

calling

2006-12-10T04:46:00.000-05:00

Only a few hours into this and already I find my body calling and begging me for sleep. I find this strange because in the past I have easily gone two full days with no sleep, but I suppose I already haven't been getting much sleep this past week which might explain my current situation.

Sleeping right now sound to me like the best idea ever, but I refuse to give in. My stomach still hurts. I might take a shower to keep me up. 3 hours and 12 mins till I get to sleep again :)

One down

2006-12-10T02:33:00.000-05:00

Well I just woke up from my first nap. During the first probably 15 minutes I didn't even sleep, but appearently slipped away at some point while I was laying on the couch in Jetgyp's family room. Because he came and woke me up and it took me a minute to come back from my brief dream, which I can no longer remember.

At first I felt like utter shit, and spoke to him for a minute about how much this is going to succk to get used to. Right now while writing this however, I feel pretty much totally fine, a little sleepy but really, not bad at all.

Dymax, it's going down

2006-12-10T01:07:00.000-05:00

So my journy into the world of polyphasic sleep begins here very soon with my first nap coming up at 2 AM. I've asked Jetgyp to make sure I wake up(He lives down the street from me). Just sitting here I've been thinking about how my life ill be different with this change. This coming week is probably going to be difficult but I'm fairly confident in myself and believe that I can make it through.

For those reading this to see what it's like to go through this I'll go on and fill you in on how I feel right now so you don't think that when I say like crap after my first nap that it is just because of that. I already feel fairly shitty right now. My stomach hurts and I'm really tired because I really didn't sleep that well last night and I had a final exam this morning.

I'm hoping to get some cleaning done here tonight in my extra time. Well I'll post some more when I wake up.

2006-12-08T20:22:00.000-05:00

My next article is going to be about how to deal with that person in your life that you would like to avoid, but can't.

Edit: I've decided to post-pone this

Sleeping

2006-12-06T11:43:00.000-05:00

I have finally settled on a new sleeping pattern, which I'll be taking up starting on Saturday. I'm going to go with the Dymaxion sleeping pattern and my sleeping times will be: 8AM, 2PM, 8PM, and 2AM. Each of these will last 30 minutes, giving me a total of 2 hours of sleep per every 22 hours awake. I did some calculations and, on average, this will give me 7.5 extra DAYS awake a month. My some of my friends are a little upset with my decision because they think that I will not be able to do much because I'll have to go sleep every six hours. Personally however, I do not feel that it will effect what I can and can't do that much for I will simply sleep in my car if I'm out and about when nap time comes.

Complicated

2006-12-04T23:22:00.000-05:00

While I was driving home today the song "complicated" by Avril Lavigne came on. This song brought back some memories and then spurred some thoughts. I was remembering back around the time that song came out I was redefining and rediscovering who I was. In the craziness of 6th through 9th grade I had lost who I was and just basically became a person wearing a shell of other people's roles/identities. But, none of these Identities fit me, because they weren't me. I however, never noticed myself slipping away and becoming nothing until I was struck by a band called AFI. They woke me up and let me see what had happened to me. At that point I began trying to find what I had lost. I remembered being happy, I remembered when the crowd didn't matter, and I wanted it back. I wanted it back desperately. I tried on all of the rebellious trends which were all dead ends.

When the Lavigne song came out I was amidst a punk-goth phase that allowed me to have freedom for about two weeks before trapping me within yet another restrictive norm. regardless, I remember liking the song but all the "true" rebels didn't like her because she dressed punk but didn't sing it. At the time this made perfect since to me so I stopped liking her because it was the rebel thing, the me thing to do. How dumb is that! I see two sides to this either 1. the industry was using her as a way to monetize the punk look to pull wannabes into buying their products or 2. she was an honest artist who just dressed the way she wanted and didn't let her self fall into the norm, didn't let people tell her that if she wants to dress a certain way that she has to be a certain way. If the latter is true(which as far as I'm concerned has just as likely a chance) then the "rebels" and the "punks" should have hailed her as their new God even though they didn't like her music, because what's behind the music is so much more important(This means the intention not the lyrics necessarily) Unfortunately though, they got caught in their own web of hypocrisy. Just like pretty much everyone does.

I hate hypocrisy. However, I can find no cure or solution for it. For me or anyone else alive. I believe the reason for this is that our lives and existences and "beliefs" and fallibilities all combined have become much to complex in modern society for us to truly get a grasp on. This then leads us to hypocrisy because we are blind in our action to our speech, and blind in our speech to our action. Kind of like opposing shores on a very large and foggy lake. You can walk around the lake and concentrate on certain parts, but you can't see across to the other side to make sure it is going to work with what is over there. Why did we have to go and make things so complicated?

Keeping Motivation

2006-12-04T13:59:00.001-05:00

Yesterday went fairly well for the Logging of my events. I did have a little trouble with remembering to write things don, but I got most everything to a pretty acurate degree.

Also yesterday I started writing a program in C++ which would let me enter in the date and then begin entering my daily log in, one event at a time. I would enter the time, description and select the type of activity it would be classified as(Free time, work, wasted time, etc.) It could then give me percentages of my time usage and other types of results n a daily, weekly, and monthly baisis. WIth this too it would make it much easier for me to track my trends and see where I need improvment and where I already have improved. I had a lot o trouble writing this however, I couldn't get the program to write the text files the ay I wanted. But a new idea just came to me that (after i solve my first problems) might work better than writing my programs to write to text files. I could have the program write programs about each day I enter, and then later write a program to call back the days I want to compare and then compare them for me. I don't know though, I'm going to have to experiment more with these ideas first.

Unfortunatley I already see some of my goals fading from my motivation. Part of this came after consulting with my friends. I was talking to them about the sleep pattern that I wanted to start and they did not like it very much. This is mostly because they like to be out late and me going to bed at 10 or maybe 11 would conflict with my time with them. After looking at this I began to consider possibly adaption a Biphasic sleeping pattern of sleeping 1AM to about 6AM and then 3PM to 4:30PM. This would work with my school schedual and my friend schedual, but i just noticed a flaw today when I got to work. The shifts at my workplace go from 9:30AM to 3:30PM and then 3:30 PM to 9:30PM. So i definatly would not be able to work at all during the week, and i could work just weekend mornings which I would not mind because I would not be sleeping in any more BUT the shift goes till 3:30 and I'm supposed to sleep at 3. I think what I am going to do is to just go ahead and adapt this schedual starting December 9th and just trying to push my sleeping back a half hour on the weekend days.

I also have been have trouble practacing my OBEs, this is mainly due to an extra lack of sleep and time I've been having the past couple of days, because while I have been trying I keep falling asleep or just losing focus way to early in the meditation process. Hopefully I'll be ableto pick up the slack a little this weekend.

More important than to OBEs right now though, is FINALS I have my four finals next week and I need good grades. I plan on going to the help session for Calculus on Tuesday, and there is one for Chemistry I need to go to as well. My Intro to Engineering final is a presentation and a paper I've already written most of, so that shouldn't be a problem. The only other one I have is programming which I really need to do very well on to get my grade back to an A. I'm not really that worried about these Exams, but I still need to be sure I put enough time and effort in so that I don't want to slap myself later. If I maintain a 3.0 then I get $750 from the government in January, if I don't then I get muh less. I pretty much need that money, so I need to be sure to EARN IT!

Writing

2006-12-04T13:58:00.000-05:00

So another realization just hit me that may explain my motivations for writing all of this stuff. That realization is simply: "I have a lot of shit to say!"

This came to me just a few short minutes ago while talking to my mother. I was telling her some of my ideas and some things I had witnessed in the day and thats when I noticed that I just could not shut up. I could have spoken for days. I don't know why, but I never really noticed how much I talk till today. My mother always complains that she never gets to speak and I think she often gets sick of listening to me. I always viewed this as a bad thing and it is in certain situations. In a social setting while talking, it is a bad idea to ramble on for hours about a topic because other people are waiting to talk. Also useually, in those settings noone really cares what you are saying, they just want you to hear what they are saying. Here in writing, however, this problem is non-existant. When you are reading you are not waiting to speak, therfore you are actually listening. With that in effect, if I am writing something worth hearing you will keep reading, enjoy it, and perhaps learn from it.

So now the question comes down to: "why did i never realize that writing would be a good thing for me?" I have always had an interest in reading, be it intellectual blogs, books, poems, plays all that good stuff. I've always been like "wow it would be cool to write that stuff and have people actually hearing your ideas!" But I always figured I couldn't, and wouldn't do it. My main reason for this was that I always thought I didn't like writing. Well, that is and at the same time isn't true. I don't like the physical act of putting pen to paper and writing, because 1. it hurts 2. I have horrible handwriting that virtually no one can read and 3. I'm a slow writer and I get really frustrated because I can't write as fast as I can think. Despite all that, I do like putting my ideas down onto paper, because for one thing it makes the idea a solid thing that I can look at later and revise as my ideas change, finishing it gives me a sense of accompishment, and thirdly others can read and hopfully benefit. So it seems that while I don't like the physical act of writing, I do like the idea and priciple of writing. The solotion which I came up with for this is since I don't have a problem with typing I can use that instead of "writing". I have now discovered how i can be the writer I always wanted to be!

Opening

2006-12-04T13:57:00.002-05:00

It seems that this will be the begining of my book. I have become re-motivated to become a better person after reading many articles/blogs by Steve Pavlina (www.stevepavlina.com). He is a very intelligent and very diciplined person whom I have come to respect by reading what he has to say. My personal hope is that I will continue in this motivation to increase my personal value as a person.

I have always been "into" self betterment. In fact I would say that I consider it to be one of the most important things in a person's life. I will say that I am not horrible at this for I have made some significant changes to my life. One of the more outstanding ones was auditioning for my first play in the fall of 2004. Another noticicable difference in me as a person is that here I am in the University of Louisville's Speed School of Engineering and I actually have decent grades. The old me never would have had these grades. Another thing is that I am actually writing this. Anyways, my point is that it is now time for some more improvments on myself for I have been lazy and have not improved anything about myself in many many months.

I hope to write in this daily for multiple reasons. 1. To set my goals and track my progress and 2. to gain a valuable record that others can use to benefit from themselves. There are other reasons that I can not think of at this moment.

Ok now, my planned goals:

1. Practice and acheive an OBE.
2. Alter my sleep pattern to going to bed when I am tired and to wake up at 5 AM Attemp OBE and then get up and get dressed at 6 AM.
3. Improve my self dicipline.
4. Maintain good grades in Speed.
5. Make more money.
6. Use that money to take weekly singing lessons.
7. lose weight by working out and by exercising daily.
8. Meditate daily or weekly.
9. write daily.
10. Start self-maintaining sources of income.

1. I have already began work on the OBE I have not achieved but have practiced fairly reguraly.
2. I will begin the new sleep pattern tonight.
3. I'm hoping to improve my dicipline by working for these goals.
4. The grades will reflect my dicipline.
5. I will begin making more money by orking more shifts at work.
6. I need to call michael and ask him about his teacher soon.
7. I will begin working out next semester with Bo I hope to exercise in the morning with my new sleep pattern.
8. Not sure yet, will come later.
9. Begins with this.
10. Not sure yet, will come later.

Coffee

2006-12-04T13:57:00.001-05:00

Sitting in a coffee shop,
why sitting in a coffee shop?
I don't like coffee,
I don't like shops,
but I'm sitting in a coffee shop,
interviews and meetings,
drinktalking, homeworkeating,
connecting and phonereading.
The complex interactions which draw me in,
3 3 6 6 2 5 10

Maturity

2006-12-04T13:42:00.000-05:00

Maturity. . . haha maturity, It seems to be a word with a very unclear meaning these days. A few months ago I was talking to my mom and she said something along the lines of "Oh, I can't wait till you're an adult!" and since I legally already was an adult I responded "Well mom, I am" she said "Yeah, but not really. You're not really an adult" I asked why and she said "You just aren't at that level of maturity yet"

Hmm. . . that level of maturity. Since then I suppose I have been trying to figure out what exactly that level of maturity is, and what makes me "Not an adult yet". Much of my confusion is rooted in the fact that I know many "adults" to whom my mother would not deny their "adultness" but who are probably some of the most immature people I have met. Today was a shining example.

I work at a stand in the mall where I sit all day asking people if they want to try a free sample of sorbet. We have 6 flavors Pineapple, Pina Colada, and Coconut cost $4 each, Orange, Lemon and Apple are $3 each, we have a mixed 10 pack for $20, and we also have freezer bags that cost $2 for if it's going to be awhile before you can get home and get your ten pack in the freezer. They are set prices, just like if you went to Kroger's to buy ice cream. Despite this I quite often get people asking me for discounts. Today a lady and her friend came up to the stand, both probably in their forties. One of them I recognized, I soled her her first ten pack a couple months ago, and now every time she returns she asks for a discount, she is always denied. Today she "insisted" a bit stronger. She raised her voice saying "I buy three of these a week and i deserve a discount!" I told her "Ma'am, I'm not in the position to be authorizing discounts" Her: "But I buy these ALL THE TIME!" and I said(to try and make a reasonable point) "Isn't it the same as when I go buy milk at Kroger's every week? I never get a discount" This remark seemed to offend her quite a bit. I can understand how my comment could be interpreted as smart Alec, but my tone was in no way indicating sarcasm. I was trying to reason with her since she asks EVERY TIME. She went on trying to convince me to give her a discount. So because her "insisting" didn't work, she moved on to bullying telling me how horrible an employee I am and "how can you ever expect to make sales with that attitude!" She told me that she was going to just go on the Internet and order the sorbets there(We sell a special brand of sorbet that come in the fruit shell and is shipped from Africa, our owner, also my best friends dad, has the north American rights for the sorbet) So i began to explain "I can give you the website ma'am, but these com from afi--" "I KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM!"she interrupted, I continued "They come from Africa, so the shipping cost on an order as small as one box would be tremendous" more happened, finally her friend decided she wanted to get one anyways so I ring her up and get a ten pack out of the freezer and ask "Would you like me to put this in a bag for you ma'am?" "Yes, i would" she responded with that "DUH!" attitude in her voice, I got a grocery bag out and began to put the ten pack in, the first lady chimes in with "put it in one of them freezer bags!" I said: "I can do that but those cost $2 extra" she gave me a look of angry bewilderment: "I always get one for free! are you saying she as to pay for her ten pack AND her freezer bag?! GIVE HER ONE FOR FREE!" ("Yes you have to pay for everything you buy, what a crazy thought!" i thought to myself) "I can't do that ma'am, if you got a freezer bag for free before then the employee who sold you the ten pack paid for the freezer bag with their own money, I'm sorry but I personally don't have enough money to buy stuff for every customer I sell to" She kept on insisting and brought up buying them on the Internet again I told her I'd be happy to give her the web address and again warned her about the high prices, her only response was "YEAH, BUT THEY'LL COME IN FREEZER BAGS WON'T THEY?!" and I said "Yes, ma'am they will most likely be packed in something to keep them frozen (except I doubt it will be less than $2 extra). I guess she couldn't understand that what she was doing was exactly the same as a school yard bully picking on the younger kids for their school lunch money. finally they left after insulting me some more, practically spitting on me. They went around to all the stands around me telling the employees there how much of an ass I was. they then came back asking for a refund saying "I refuse to buy from someone who treats me this way" I said ( as I returned her money) "Ok ma'am, I'm sorry for the trouble, would you like that web address?" "No. . . but I would like your manager's number" she said while a slight grin. I said "well we don't have a manager, but here is our owner" I wrote down his name and number and gave it to her. She left. Later my boss called me and told me what she said on the phone. She called and said: "Are you the pineapple guy!?" he eventually figured out what she meant "yes ma'am I am, can I help you?" her: "YOU NEED TO TELL THAT BIG DICK, GREASE HAIR, STUPID HAT, WHITE BOY TO GET FIRED!" him: "Excuse me ma'am?" her: "HE WAS SO RUDE TO ME! and wouldn't give me a discount, probably because I'm black!" and she told him what happened. He dismissed her saying that he's been going to McDonald's more than three times a week for ten years and he still hasn't gotten his discount. she screamed: "YOU'RE A DICK TOO!" and hung up. But I bet my mom wouldn't say she wasn't an adult. So if it is not age, and not maturity that determines whether someone is an adult or not, then what does?

Freedom

2006-12-04T13:24:00.000-05:00

So then in the idea of being free and creative. what makes me free? is it my creativity? or does my freedom make me creative? I constantly find myself searching for ways in which to be free. My current favorite it seems is to break insignificant social law, or rules. You might not believe the extreme enjoyment I get out of breaking these retarded rules. In high school I did this by the way I dressed. At Trinity we had a very strict dress code, Dress shoes, Dress Socks, Dress Pants, Dress Shirt, a tie, and hair off the bottom of the collar, those were the basic guideline of how I dressed. For the first two years I went with the norm everyday, boring ass clothes. Then Junior year I discovered an ounce of freedom in our dress code by the fact that it was so unspecific. it started with neon dress socks and moved on to the neon shoes laces, there was nothing in the books about colors, eventually I grew more bold and with this growth began to re-experience the sacrifices that come with originality. I began to shop at goodwill and found pants with "outrageous" colors and styes, such as Kelly green, tight double-knit turquoise and black pants, orange pants etc. (Not pink as that was already a fad) I found that I received most resistance with the tighter pants that I enjoyed wearing. I received many negative comments for those, I believe they took it upon themselves as a challenge to their manhood so they felt compelled to hold their hands up to their eyes when I walked by saying "cover that shit up" because god forbid they might see the shape of my body outlined in my clothes. I do not take any of these remarks personally however and do not blame the individuals, instead I blame society as an entity for it is what controls them. I know them individually and know that they are actually much more mature and accepting than this text makes them out to be, many of them went on senior retreat with me and were very outstanding people with high moral character. But the current of the social rivers are very strong and prevent good people from being themselves and I believe this cannot be changed and for this I feel no regret, and no offense for my choices in dress or the reactions they cause. but I did get an exhilarating feeling of freedom because I have proven to myself and noone else, that I can wear what society tells me I can't. This is a powerful feeling because if I can do this then surely I can do more. It gives me strength to stand up to my fears in the name of what is right to do. I highly recommend breaking all the dumb rules you can, the rules that honestly don't affect anyone that is, don't get anyone hurt or steal or put yourself in danger but do things such as picking the number thirteen and breaking superstitions, cross dressing, actually expressing your emotions(*gasp*), shave (or don't) what you feel like, when you feel like it, the way you like it, there are countless others which I encourage you to find. know I'm not the first to say all this, but you need to do it or maybe you don't, I should rephrase that, I needed and still need to do it and it's possible that you are like me in some way and need some of the same things.